| I know you well enough to know you never loved me. |
[May. 3rd, 2010|03:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | creative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Taking Back Sunday- Cute without the E | ] |
Well, well. Me and Eric talked all first period and we somehow got into the topic of me almost having sex with him. He said to me, "I broke up with you because I couldn't be your first and then cheat on you. I couldn't hurt you like that." I always knew this, and I wrote about it before I think. Eric could of had sex with me but he broke up with me before he did. Can you imagine if we had sex and then he broke up with me? I was always so thankful for that. No matter what mean and hurtful things Eric says to me, I will always love him as a person for not taking advantage of me. For not having sex with me because he could have. I am so grateful. And I told him thank you today. (But what makes me get a little upset is that he said "...and then cheat on you." Why did he have to cheat on me? What didn't I give him? Why couldn't he be satisfied?)
We kept talking and he told me he thinks we'll eventually have sex. And I laughed in his face and said that'll never happen..I can't believe you actually think I will. & he put his hand out. I think its pretty strange to bet if your going to have sex with someone or not..but I did. I said I can't believe you think I will. & he's like I just want to prove a point. Whats the point? I asked. "That," he said, "I'll tell you tomorrow." I think he wants to prove I'm still in love with him.
Today I saw Joey countless times and he gave me the dirtiest look I've ever received in my whole life. I wish so bad I could describe this look. It's almost as if hes looking at me like I'm the most disgusting creature on the face of this earth. I wish I could describe how I feel after he gives me one of those looks. Usually, with Tanya right by his side. I hate that she made him hate me. Its not fair. But I realized, she may of made him be this way, but he let her. Everything hes done to me..has been so fucked up. I did all of that for him and again, this is how he treats me. I hope I always remember how he made me feel and how terrible hes treating me right now. I never want to go back to someone that is like this.
I learned from all of this, that I need to take it slow. No matter how much I want the person to like me, or show him I like him, I can't do anything sexual with him. I need to tell him in words..maybe even tell him about my history and why I NEED to take it slow. I need to realize my life can't be filled with negative and hurtful people. I need to realize people will disapoint me..But there's someone out there that WILL love me. He is waiting for me with bright blue eyes and his arms wide open..for me to crawl into :) To ask me what my favorite color is, and that they love my nose. & that everyone that has hurt me has only made me stronger and just brought me to him. That person is out there. |
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