| When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part. |
[Apr. 30th, 2011|08:38 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | John Mayer- Dreaming with a broken heart | ] |
I'm in a dark place. I feel so depressed and sad. I just want to be happy. That's all I want.
I went through my book shelf and looked at a book Tori had given me Christmas of 09'. It's a book that says a bunch of nice things and she underlines what reminds her of me. At the end of the book she said "don't forget you're amazing." What made me sad was I don't think she'd ever give me that book again. She's changed and I can tell she views me differently. And I view her differently. Our first christmas together we were so excited and gave each other such good, meaningful gifts. This year she gave me a "Kardashians" book. Things just aren't the same. I feel like I haven't changed at all - but she has. Maybe because she lost her virginity. I don't know. She drinks and I don't, maybe we're just not meant to be friends. Maybe I just can't relate to her world. Whenever we talk about things such as depression, bullying, or Demi Lovato (entering rehab) she just doesn't feel the way I do. I've been tormented so bad in middle school, I'm depressed, and I've cut like Demi has. So it hurts when she thinks stuff like that is all one big joke or that bullying couldn't really effect someones life that much - or even a divorce.
I try to be happy but I realize I don't have anything to be happy about. Someone could read this and say I'm selfish and should be happy I have my health and my family is healthy. I am thankful for that. But having health, and my family being healthy doesn't give me the happy feeling I need. I can't just rely on the fact that my family's health and be happy. I've been so scared lately. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare. Such bad things are happening on the news, such horrible events. I am terrified that I'm living in a horrible era. That the world will end. Just writing that scares me even more. I just wish I wasn't like this. I'm a mess, a freak. |
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