| Watch my face as I pretend to feel no pain |
[May. 5th, 2011|08:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | John Mayer - Heartbreak warfare | ] |
I'll have good days and feel optimistic, but my sadness will always eventually rush over me and make me feel hopeless and depressed. Today was a bad day. I just felt awful - from the moment I woke up. I looked at my ugly face and wanted to just .. be someone else. Be somewhere else. I decided right away I wouldn't go to lunch. I didn't want Robby to see my ugly face. I ate my lunch around 8:45 in spanish class. Fifth period I headed to the library and did my math homework. I was happy I finished it. Once the bell rang I dragged my feet to class where Sydney and Adrian asked why I wasn't in lunch. "Just didn't feel like it," I say. I can tell Adrian knows I'm glum. The rest of the day is a bore, I just want to cry. I see Robby after gym, avoiding eye contact - head straight, eyes forward......"Why weren't you in lunch?" he calls. Damn, he saw me.
YOU. YOU. YOU. YOU. YOU. YOU! I CAN'T SIT NEXT TO YOU AFTER BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. I CAN'T SIT NEXT TO YOU AND LAUGH AND BE FRIENDS. I CAN'T PRETEND THIS DOESN'T HURT.
"I went to the library, I had stuff to do."
I've always had a difficult time involving boys. I don't know why, and I wish I could change it about myself. Maybe it has something to do with my lack of having a father - I just have a dad. I don't know. It may seem pathetic to some people that a boy can make me feel like this. So dead. But I've always been like this. I take everything personally, especially with boys. So when Robby broke up with me I just felt as low as a human could possibly be. Usually after a break up it gets easier once you don't see the person anymore.. but I got the luck of sitting right next to him in lunch. We still do today. As the days pass, weeks, and months I just feel worse because I know what we had is even further away than it ever was. Tomorrow will be another day away from when we were together.
It's not just Robby either - I think it's just everything. I'm not happy with myself, I haven't been for a long time. I remember when I went out with Robby I'd be on the bus and I'd think "I'm still not happy." So even a relationship didn't fulfill my happiness. It made me happier though. And that's better than nothing. |
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