covert_ (covert_) wrote, @ 2010-08-10 13:22:00 |
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Current mood: | blank |
Like fire and rain, you can drive me insane
~ Part 2 ~
I made these entries into two different posts because I feel like its too much information for just one big entry.
When I went to Joe's house and saw his mom and dad together it made me sad. The divorce of my parents never really hit me as bad as it did that night and the next night. I really wish they were together and I feel like my life is such a mess because of them. I know it's not really their fault but I just feel like I've missed so much of what other people have. I don't have a family like I'd want. I hate that my mom lives in northfield and I feel like she doesn't even know any of my friends. My dad is rarely ever home. He has a job up in North Jersey so hes probably here every other week for a couple of days. Imagine being home with no parents at 15 years old. I could get away with murder. But thats not what I want. I want a mom and dad to come home to. I want to come home and find them on the couch snuggling. I don't want this fucked up family. I hate packing and going back to back to each house. Stefanie and Michael got lucky. They were out of highschool when my parents got a divorce. I was only in fourth grade. Two nights ago I felt really alone. I felt like I was a little speck in a huge world. That I meant nothing. I cut myself so I could focous on the pain of the cut, and not my emotions. So my thoughts about my parents could stop suffocating me. This is the third time I've cut. But now I only have two scars on my left wrist. I haven't told anyone I cut. Not even Tori. I don't want people to think I'm seeking out for attention. I know I don't handle my emotions healthy and that me cutting is the wrong way to go about things. I understand I need help and I asked my mom if I could see someone. I told her though it was for my anxiety. I'm scared for the day someone notices the two cuts on my wrist. I just hope they don't make someone love me less.
Next year I want to work, save up all my money and move once I'm out of highschool. Move as far away as I can go.