InsaneJournal

Current mood:	ehh
Current music:	Human Nature- Madonna

you tried to shove me back inside your narrow room; and silence me with bitterness and lies

The trial starts Monday. I guess I should be happy that things are finally moving forward, but I don't know. My lawyers are trying to issue a motion so that I wouldn't have to appear in court, but I kinda want to be there. I think that I owe it to myself to take the necessary steps I need to take in order to push past the attack. With the new album and various appearances and shows, I've managed to keep myself busy enough to wear by the time I have downtime I just crash, rather than sit up contemplating the what ifs. Going over the night like I did for the weeks that followed, replaying every single detail over and over again. It doesn't help. It's not conducive to my "recovery". Cash and the rest of my family think that I should go see someone about it. For what? I find it purposeless. How can repeating one bad incident over and over again be helpful? I see it like this, the sooner its over and he's in jail, the deeper in my mind I'll be able to hide the thought.

[ friends only ] My mother is coming to town...for support she says, but I know she's worried about me. Especially by my actions as of late. But as I told her tabloids make things a lot worse than they really are. Supposedly I'm now the other party in some sordid affair. Funny how they come up with these things, I guess its fashionable to believe fantasy over reality because its a lot more interesting that way. I've had time to think about the whole thing and I'm not sorry. I don't regret it. Maybe it was in bad taste for me to fuck him. Especially with him being newly widowed, but it was never my intent to disgrace her memory. Although I didn't know her, still, you've got to have that respect that just comes with being apart of the same sex. So in that sense, yes I'm sorry. With that being said, I can't please everyone and it wasn't like I went to his locker room and threw myself at him. Didn't happen like that at all and even if it did, who cares? We're both consenting adults and it was just sex. Albeit great sex. At the end of the day that was all that it was...two people satisfying the others need for carnal interaction. It happens, sue me. If the opportunity presents itself once again, then I'd take it, but if it doesn't I'm not gonna cry about it. But at the end of the day someone will always manage to find fault in the things that I choose to do, but that's what I signed up for when I decided to pursue a very public career. I don't like it, but it comes with the business. [ end ]

Enough about all of that, though, the label and I have yet to come up with a title for the album. Some of the titles that's being thrown around are : Dream Baby (I hate that one); In A Perfect World; Miss Independent...etc. Too bad we already had the Dylan lp because I would surely be ready to name it that. Also we've narrowed it down to two songs that would be a good first single. Whenever it drops its already been discussed that we'd let NY's Hot 97, drop the premiere and when I shoot the video we're going to shoot it over to 106th and Park, then FNTV. Once everything is under way then there is talk of a promotional tour, but I'll play it by ear. Other then that everything is going according to plan. Tomorrow I have a photoshoot for Giant Magazine then its back to the sound board and mic aka home.