Jordan Sullivan (![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} itsmylife_) wrote,@ 2022-07-25 10:17:00 |
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Tonight was a pretty awesome night, i got to spend one on one time with Madi. We are having a sleepover and she just fell asleep, but we had a great night. We ate all the snacks, and i got her some of those sour gummy worms that she likes so much. We had cheese pizza for dinner and watched Encanto. It really helps me emotionally spending time with the little ones, and i'm mostly okay, but I still have a hard time coping with the loss of Jake. I miss him so much. I don't talk about what happened often or to others but I feel so much sadness inside. It's not fair that he's gone, and sometimes i still feel so angry, i don't show it i just keep it all bottled up inside but sometimes i feel like i need to just scream and let it all out. Ever since I started working for the Velmonts it's gotten easier to cope with the loss, but when things are still, silent, and i'm in my room alone with my thoughts that's when I feel like i'm going to fall apart. It feels like there's a weight on my chest and it's hard to breath when i'm alone and there's nothing but me. Jake was like a brother to me, we did everything together, told each other everything. How could i have not known what he was feeling, what he was suffering through. What he was planning on doing? I should have known. Why couldn't he have talked to me? I thought we used to tell each other everything. I could have helped him through whatever he was going through, he didn't have to go through it alone. I guess i'll never know, but i think it's always going to haunt me, not knowing.
I just wish i could have one more conversation with him, hear his laughter one last time, his voice, see his smile, but when looking back on it i guess they were few and far between those smiles and laughter. I never really knew why, but he always seemed like a tortured soul. There was a time when we were younger that he seemed happy, and there was a light behind his eyes, but as we grew older that light seem to fade out. I think i always knew something was wrong, but i didn't want to really see it for what it was. I just wanted my best friend in any way that he was. I accepted him as he was and loved him all the same no matter how much he had changed over the years. He was still the same guy just not all together like he was when we were kids. I think in the last six months before his death is when i saw the most changes in him. He became more distant, stopped going to the hangout spot where we always hung out at after school everyday. He wasn't sleeping, or eating and he had stopped taking his medication. Those should have all been red flags that something was seriously wrong, but I didn't want to admit that my best friend was seriously fucked up and needed help. I thought we were close enough that if things were so bad he would have said something to me. It's all pointless and doesn't matter now what's done is done and i couldn't save him, couldn't help him. If i could just turn back and do it all over again, i would have tried harder, helped him somehow. Maybe he would still be here if i had just noticed sooner, and tried harder to help him. I failed him and i think that's what haunts me the most i could have saved him and i did nothing just let him slip further and further down a spiral till it was too late, and i'm just not okay with that.