Have you ever confused life with a dream? Or stolen something when you had cash?

10:17AM - Private entry

Tonight was a pretty awesome night, i got to spend one on one time with Madi. We are having a sleepover and she just fell asleep, but we had a great night. We ate all the snacks, and i got her some of those sour gummy worms that she likes so much. We had cheese pizza for dinner and watched Encanto. It really helps me emotionally spending time with the little ones, and i'm mostly okay, but I still have a hard time coping with the loss of Jake. I miss him so much. I don't talk about what happened often or to others but I feel so much sadness inside. It's not fair that he's gone, and sometimes i still feel so angry, i don't show it i just keep it all bottled up inside but sometimes i feel like i need to just scream and let it all out. Ever since I started working for the Velmonts it's gotten easier to cope with the loss, but when things are still, silent, and i'm in my room alone with my thoughts that's when I feel like i'm going to fall apart. It feels like there's a weight on my chest and it's hard to breath when i'm alone and there's nothing but me. Jake was like a brother to me, we did everything together, told each other everything. How could i have not known what he was feeling, what he was suffering through. What he was planning on doing? I should have known. Why couldn't he have talked to me? I thought we used to tell each other everything. I could have helped him through whatever he was going through, he didn't have to go through it alone. I guess i'll never know, but i think it's always going to haunt me, not knowing.


I just wish i could have one more conversation with him, hear his laughter one last time, his voice, see his smile, but when looking back on it i guess they were few and far between those smiles and laughter. I never really knew why, but he always seemed like a tortured soul. There was a time when we were younger that he seemed happy, and there was a light behind his eyes, but as we grew older that light seem to fade out. I think i always knew something was wrong, but i didn't want to really see it for what it was. I just wanted my best friend in any way that he was. I accepted him as he was and loved him all the same no matter how much he had changed over the years. He was still the same guy just not all together like he was when we were kids. I think in the last six months before his death is when i saw the most changes in him. He became more distant, stopped going to the hangout spot where we always hung out at after school everyday. He wasn't sleeping, or eating and he had stopped taking his medication. Those should have all been red flags that something was seriously wrong, but I didn't want to admit that my best friend was seriously fucked up and needed help. I thought we were close enough that if things were so bad he would have said something to me. It's all pointless and doesn't matter now what's done is done and i couldn't save him, couldn't help him. If i could just turn back and do it all over again, i would have tried harder, helped him somehow. Maybe he would still be here if i had just noticed sooner, and tried harder to help him. I failed him and i think that's what haunts me the most i could have saved him and i did nothing just let him slip further and further down a spiral till it was too late, and i'm just not okay with that.

7:19AM - journal post -Gone away offspring

Maybe in another life
I could find you there
Pulled away before your time
I can't deal, it's so unfair

And it feels, and it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it feels, yeah, it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that you've gone away

Leaving flowers on your grave
Show that I still care
Black roses and Hail Mary
Can't bring back what's taken from me

I reach to the sky
And call out your name
And if I could trade
I would

3:00PM - Text message to Olivia

Hey you, just checking in, wanted to see how you're doing been a while since we last spoke. I've been really busy with the twins and helping out extra with the velmonts lately, but you've been in my thoughts.

2:45PM - Text message to Luke

Hey you, I was just thinking about you, and wondering when you were gonna be back in town. Things have been a little weird lately and I could really use some normalcy.

11:25AM - Journal post - Staind lyrics

And now that we're here
It's so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
And I can forgive
And I'm not ashamed
To be the person that I am today

These are my words
I've never said before
I think I'm doing okay
This is the smile
That I've never shown before

3:11PM - Private entry

So today there was a thing. I met a guy, Luke. He's the assistant coach on the kid's soccer team. He's super cute, and nice. Really great with all the kids too. He asked if I wanted to hang out sometime, and I told him yeah. I'm a little nervous it's been forever since I've been out with a guy, but he seems pretty laid back so it should be okay. That aside, I have a six o'clock appointment with Julia Mcgaven tomorrow right after I leave the Velmonts. My dad still thinks it would benefit my mental health if I see a psychiatrist. Yeah, because the last one worked out so well. I'm dealing with Jake's death in my own way and no amount of talking to a shrink is gonna fix what's wrong. It wont bring him back. Ugh, I hate that he died, I miss him so much. Sometimes I feel so angry with him, and other times I'd give anything just to hear his voice again. To laugh with him, hang out and listen to music all night like we used so many times. I miss going to concerts with him. We used to have some good times together. I used to feel sad all the time, but working with the twins, and Madi have really helped me deal better with my struggles. They're awesome kids, and they brighten my days. My days are pretty busy usually I just don't think I need therapy, but my dad worries for me so much. I think he's scared I'm gonna end up like Jake. I guess I can humor him and go to a couple of sessions see how it goes. so not my thing therapy really just kinda blows.

12:14PM - Jordan and Luke scene at the park after kids soccer practice

Today Monday afternoon, and that was the day that the twins, and Madi had their soccer practice at the park. Jordan always took them every Monday and loved watching them they were so adorable and it always brought a smile to her lips. They just loved soccer, and they always had so much fun playing. They had also made a lot of friends which was good for building their social skills. She had noticed it had been good for her own social skills as well being that she had made friends with some of the mothers of the other children there that were friends with Madi, and the twins. Jordan hadn't always been the best at making friends, she had always been more reserved, and closed off through high school. She never really had a lot of friends growing up, her only real best friend was her cousin Jake, and after his death that had really been traumatic for her as they had been really close. Working for the Velmonts and being around Madi and the twins really in a sense brought her out of her shell, and opened her up to the possibilities of making friendships, and being more open with her own family, as well as with the Velmonts. The children brought her a happiness that she hadn't felt since the death of Jake, and that was a huge step towards recovery that not even countless hours of therapy had accomplished.

Today Jordan was sitting on the parks bench watching the three young children play with their friends as practice had just ended, but sometimes the kids liked to stay a little while longer afterwards to play with their friends. She reached into her back jeans pocket to grab her phone out and sent Diane a quick text message telling her that the kids wanted to stay a little while after practice to play with their friends, but that they would be home in a little while and not to worry. She sat back and waved goodbye to some of the other parents as they were leaving. Her eyes were watching the kids play, but she also couldn't help but notice the new assistant coach he had been helping the head coach out for a few weeks now, she couldn't help but to be curious about him. She had only spoke to him briefly in passing, but she had taken notice to him, he was an attractive guy, and seemed really great with all of the kids. She tried not to let her eyes wonder upon him to a point where it was obvious that she was watching him as he gathered up all the soccer balls into the bag. She smiled in his direction as their eyes met for a moment and then she glanced away shyly and returned her gaze to the children playing.

9:48AM - journal entry - shinedown lyrics -

Tell my something that's poetic at best
Make me believe there was a time that you were like the rest
And I'll never ask you again
And I'll never ask you again
For all the moments in the memories
No one could ever say we never had a history
But I'm leaving that all behind
And there's nothing gonna change my mind
A paradox
The key drops
A manifest
For what you lost was me
For my sake please

Stop slowing me down
Stop holding me up
We're making a scene
And that's enough
Let's be honest
Your promise
Was never meant to last

I'm taking you on
I'm calling you out
There's nothing left
For us here now
Let's be honest
I promise
I'm never looking back
For my sake
For my sake

7:06PM

( Character Bio. )

5:54PM

All the smiles you had to fake
And all the shit you had to take
Just to lead us here again
I never have the things to say
To make it all just go away
To make it all just disappear

Believe in me
I know you've waited for so long
Believe in me
Sometimes the weak become the strong
Believe in me
This life is not always what it seems
Believe in me
Cause I was made for chasing dreams

Its my life
Its my choice
Hear my words
Hear my voice
And just believe