InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I read 'LOVELESS'."

Keely Ann Williams (keely__) wrote,
@ 2008-03-17 01:04:00

Current mood:

numb

XXII;
I'm out, resting, and doing ... ok.

Private

I have nothing else better to do, it's six in the morning over here and everyone is a sleep. I have a brace on my knee to keep me from not moving my leg, which I right now is good. Right now, if it wasn't for the brace I would be walking a hole in the floor.

I slept with Tyler the night before I left to come here. After it happened, only a very small part of me regretted it. Now, I regret it more then anything. Ever since I came out of surgery I have been in and out of it, this morning is the first time I've felt like myself. When I get bored I break out my laptop and I was going to leave a snappy little comment on one of his blogs. I see another girl saying she misses him and asking him to come sleep with her. And he's going. Part of me wants to break down and cry cause I promised myself I wouldn't give myself to anyone, unless I trusted them. I trusted him and now he's acting like a fucking boyfriend to this woman and ... he told me he didn't want a relationship.

I guess I have no reason to be upset ... but part of me feels betrayed. Part of me wants to call him and scream at him.

Rob is back in jail, Tori is missing and I only knew her through very bad comments between the two of us. Doesn't mean I'm not going to sit here and pray that she is ok. I hope she's ok, her family doesn't deserve this. I don't know her family, but no family deserves this. I don't know if Rob is back out or what, but something deep down inside of me feels that Rob is being set up. I'm hoping he's being set up.

When I found out what happened, all of these feelings I ignored and forgot came rushing back to me. When I was in New York waiting for my plane I wanted to go get a ticket and go back home. Run to jail and hope they'll let me in to see him. But another part of me told me to get on the plain and go to France. Now look, I'm on crutches because I decided to play tickle monster with Kyle and fall down the steps. Now Sam has to miss out on things and take care of me. Well not take care of me, but help me with some things and I feel bad about it. This was her vacation and she invited me and I ruined it. I was going to leave Tuesday and go to New York, so I can direct New York, I Love You, but I don't know if I can. They said they can wait till I'm able to fly over there.

I think I'm going to call Rob and see if he is out, if not leave him a message to call me as soon as he can. I still care and want to at least be a friend at his side.

(Post a new comment)

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lovers_alibi
2008-03-18 02:31 am UTC (link)

I love how you make me feel like shit.
You'll get online and update a stupid journal to let people know you are okay but you won't even return my phone calls or texts. You make me feel like trash. I've tried to get a hold of you since we were together and you are ignoring me. It is more than obvious to me that you are having the 'morning after' issue. I'm sorry I was so aweful. I'm sorry I wasn't your roid boy.

You could've called me at ANY time I was WAITING and hoping to hear from you. but forget it. when you are ready to be an adult and talk to me I'll be in California.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

	private keely__ 2008-03-18 02:58 am UTC (link)
	How I make you feel like shit? How making me feel like your fucking warm up. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	private lovers_alibi 2008-03-18 03:00 am UTC (link)
	What the hell are you talking about? I've TRIED to call you. I almost went to France but I can't just up and go. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	private keely__ 2008-03-18 03:03 am UTC (link)
	Just go Ty, I'm sure she's waiting for you. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	private lovers_alibi 2008-03-18 03:05 am UTC (link)
	You know what they say about assumers right? You look like such a fucking ass right now. I don't owe you an explaination but I am NOT fucking Shaelyn. You are the only one I've slept with. And don't you fucking call me a liar 'cause that will piss me off. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

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keely__
2008-03-18 03:09 am UTC (link)

Your one to fucking talk about assumer's Ty. You think I wanted you to be Rob? When I was with you, I was with you, you where all that was in my head. I fucking trusted you.

I come on and see some girl telling you she misses you and wants you to come over. I don't care if don't give me an explaniation. Because I don't fucking want it. That makes me feel like I was your fucking warm up. Don't even fucking start with me.

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lovers_alibi
2008-03-18 03:15 am UTC (link)

I was with you because I wanted to be with you. But you are acting like I made a huge commitment to you when we slept together. I asked you if you were sure KNOWING what you knew. You told me you weren't interested in a relationship and I said I wasn't either.

I knew Shae before I knew you. I'm single you are single. If you wanted more you should've told me so. I thought what you wanted was just sex someone to keep you warm. I stayed with you all night it wasn't like I fucked you and ran off. Don't go pointing fingers at me like I am such a horrible man because you can't fucking communicate what you REALLY want and then point at me like I fucking cheated on you.

I can sleep with or not sleep with whom ever I want until I am spoken for or someone tells me they want me.
You fucking frustrate the hell out of me.

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keely__
2008-03-18 03:24 am UTC (link)

I would of loved a fucking relationship with you Ty. Only reason I didn't say anything, cause you where so set on being single I didn't want to fucking push it. I wanted more then sex, more then someone to keep me warm Ty.

Every time I try to communicate what I wanted, all I hear from you is 'I want to be single, I don't want this,' and all I have done is sit back and accept that from you.

~~I FUCKING WANT YOU!~~

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lovers_alibi
2008-03-18 03:29 am UTC (link)

So this is how you treat men you want?
You ignore their phone calls making them think you regret being with them and from the sounds of it you do.
I'm sorry I was so god aweful in bed.
This is the FIRST time you'd told me you want a relationship the FIRST time every other time I've talked to you it's been how 'oh i'm not sure if i'm ready for that'

How about you ACT like you want something from me because I don't take kindly to being ignored and brushed aside. That is how you make me feel.

~~leave france~~

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keely__
2008-03-18 03:37 am UTC (link)

And when I updated I was fine, was the first time I was actually awake and not half dead. Plus I had yet to sit and check my voicemail.
You wheren't god awful in bed. ~~You where amazing.~~
Because the first time it came up, you where the first to say 'I don't want a relationship.' I didn't want to push you away with 'I'd like to have one.'

I don't act like I want something, cause I never get anything I want. It's hard for me.

~~i can't take getting hurt anymore.~~

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lovers_alibi
2008-03-18 03:45 am UTC (link)

If I was in a far away place and I supposedly wanted someone and I cared I would've picked up my phone to talk to them. Show a little incentive I mean christ. You just rather complicate things because it seems like you can not live or breath without some type of drama.

You not wanting to talk to me makes me FEEL like I was awful.
I'm not interested in this drama. I have enough at work, Keely.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	private keely__ 2008-03-18 03:50 am UTC (link)
	And I'm done making you feel awful, I'm done being a inconvenience. My gift to you, goodbye. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	private lovers_alibi 2008-03-18 03:52 am UTC (link)
	Why are you such a fucking drama queen? Grow up. You are a big girl. Christ. Whatever, Keely. When you grow up and want to talk to me like an adult you know where I am. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

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keely__
2008-03-18 03:58 am UTC (link)

I don't fucking start the drama, it's everyone else that wants to blow everything up. Excuse me if I express myself and people don't like it.

Sorry if the one thing that popped in my head when I was in pain and going into surgery was call you. I didn't call no one, Sam was the one that called my family. And I have yet to talk to them, except a voicemail left on my dad's phone.

I'm not going to go against Dr's orders to not fly just yet, leave France to come back home, only to sit on the side line waiting on a guy to make up his damn mind, on who he wants to be with. I will be damned if I am the other girl or have her be the other girl.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	private lovers_alibi 2008-03-18 04:04 am UTC (link)
	With me you are. I didn't say any of that. I just would've loved to hear from you. fucking sue me. I'm not standing between two women. You think I am. but at this point there is no reasoning with you. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	private keely__ 2008-03-18 04:06 am UTC (link)
	No, you just blow every little thing up. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	private lovers_alibi 2008-03-18 04:11 am UTC (link)
	No. I don't. I'm sorry I miss you. Again. Enjoy France. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	private keely__ 2008-03-18 04:29 am UTC (link)
	Do you miss me? I have yet to enjoy France. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	private lovers_alibi 2008-03-19 12:53 am UTC (link)
	yeah you are my friend. (Reply to this) (Parent)