InsaneJournal

_amethyst_eyes (_amethyst_eyes) wrote, @ 2008-01-16 18:54:00

Current mood:

depressed

Man, I miss being upset about Scott.

Whoooa there, rewind! Did she just say that?

Well yeah. She did.

I hate this. I feel like I can barely hold it together. Tomorrow is Lori's doctor's appointment where she'll find out if she still has cancer or not. I hate that word. I hate that concept. This sucks. I was sitting in my Photo 2 class with my date book thing to write down my assignments. Every so often, during the lecture, I would glance down at the little box for Thursday and see "10 - Lori's appt." It would make my stomach churn and cause a stab of fear and sadness in my heart. Finally, I had to just shut the book. If I can't see it, it's not real. If I'm focused on something else, it's momentarily forgotten.

THAT'S why I wish this was just another boy issue. Because in the end, who cares? Who cares if you're together or not? It's something that can be gotten over. There will always be another guy. There will be promise. But this... I'm so scared that there is no promise, that the news will just keep on being bad. This is real. I'd give anything to be miserable myself over a guy if it would make Lori healthy and normal again. I really would. Even if I had to trade positions with her. It scares me to say that, too.

Last night I almost got into a fight with her husband. Well, her "husband". I was talking about how depressing he and my mom are when they're together and he started off like..

Him: "I was thinking about how I had to tell her that she still might have cancer, would you want to tell her that?"
Me: "No."
Him: "Well that's what I was thinking, about how *I* had to be the one to tell her. I've been with her for 13 years--"
Me: "I've been with her for 24!"

That's all I really remember. But whatever.

I wish my mom would get off the computer, I need an art fix and I need it NOW. I need my music on loud, and I NEED to create. What I'm working on is on the OTHER computer. Ugh. Make her leave it :P