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So yummy, so yummy :) [31 Jul 2008|11:44am]
[ mood | hungry ]
[ music | Miley Cyrus // Break Out ]

Last night on Shark Week, they mentioned the Megladon. That was a prehistoric shark, currently extinct (so they say, but how would they know if it lived waaaaaaaaaayyyy down below???? Hmmm?!). It was up to 30 feet long and had massive teeth. They showed the tooth next to the typical gray white tooth and hoooooooolllly shit. It was like standing a yorkie next to a rott. One tooth found was 7 inches long. 7 INCHES!!!!!!!!! So crazy. I remembered that when I was younger, I read a book called "Meg" that was about the Megladon. It was fiction, along the lines of Jaws, but I think the shark was 60 feet in the book. I could be way off about that, though. I should read it again, it was good.

I left work early today. Well, sort of. I was there from 7:30-11:30 and when you're working on your day off, what would you call that? Ah well. I'm currently eating my left over Italian Cazone Sub from Hungry Howie's, and drinking a pepsi. Sugar + red meat = not good. Both of those make psoriasis itch like a bitch, I think the same may be true for mosquito bites, because out of no where, one of the bites on my heel started itching like a biotch. Oh well. I've CERTAINLY dealt with worse. And it's so yummy :) THERE'S A PARTY IN MY TUMMY!!!!!!!! Aaaaahahahahaha.

Yesterday's word of the day was a massive one. Sesquipedalian. Why in the world do you need such a long word to say "long word". YES that word means "long word". In it's adjective form, it means "characterized by the use of long words" or "long and ponderous, having many syllables". Youuuuu little flirt.

In about half an hour I'm leaving to see Mamma Mia! Weeeee! Hopefully today I can get my bangs cut, maybe stop by Michaels, maybe do a little job hunting, ya dig?

IT, is sooooooooooooooo frakkin' LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1 comment|post comment

Gahhhh heat go away! [30 Jul 2008|12:44pm]
[ mood | hot ]

Bahhh, it's so fucking hot here, that I'm almost happy to be going into work. At least they have air conditioning! And hopefully we'll be kept busy by the sale. Wednesdays are actually my favorite days to work, because I get to sleep in, AND always have something to do. I love love looooove it.

Today should actually be my last day until Monday, but since Diane is out, BEM (Beady-Eyed Mongoose) asked me if I would work Thursday and Friday as well. Well sure, because I want the money and that is the only reason. Tomorrow I'm not staying long, though, because I'm gonna go see Mamma Mia. Gotta support Amanda Seyfried you know :)

OMG DIANE! Just so you know she is one of the sweetest people you will ever meet. She's an older woman and she works her ass off at Sears, is a great person. Apparently over the weekend, she was walking her dog (big dog apparently) and the dogs chain wrapped around her finger when he went to take off, and pulled her finger OFF. Omg. That's so horrible, and it's creepy to even think about. I guess I'm not SO creeped out (the guy who had his knee cap ripped off still makes me wanna puke) but the fact that she had to go through all that fear and pain makes me so sad. At least it's over now. I guess they managed to put her finger back on with a rod or something... Sally bought her a card, and Jim is taking up a collection. Ugh, I hope she's doing okay.

Meh....I have to leave for work in 20 minutes, which means getting dressed. In all black. That's right we have to wear all black at Sears. One day I'm gonna go in with black hair, black eye shadow, and black nails just be like "In yo' FACE".

I'm sleepy, I want to sleep. And read "It". I'm almost halfway through it now, yayyyy! It's so long lol.

I guess I gotta go. Peace out :P

2 comments|post comment

[23 Jul 2008|11:13pm]
[ mood | angry ]

I just got done watching an 2 hour long episode of Dateline ID. MAN are people SICK. Gahhh. This particular one was called "Young Lords of Chaos". I tell you, it's scary what charismatic people can accomplish *shudder*

Basically, what happened is, this guy Kevin became this huge influence to these younger kids. I THINK they were all teenagers, including Kevin, but I'm not sure cuz I had to work, so I missed the first 5 minutes or so. Anyway, he pretty much just... drew them in. You know on Finding Nemo how Dori and Marlin go wayyyyy down into the dark and are attracted to that really bright light and almost get eaten by a really scary fish? KEVIN was like that really scary fish.

First it started with small stuff, like knocking out windows, small acts of vandalism that barely got mentioned in the news, and when it did, it pretty much called them pea-brained schemes (I believe the word "pea-brained" was actually used). This of course, pissed them off, so they had to do something big.

There was a local building, quite important to the town, historically. It was a coca-cola building. I can't remember if it was a museum or what, but they broke into a garage, stole some gas tanks (or something, I can't remember the right word), and set the building on fire. THAT made headlines. They also planned to rob a Hardees, but somehow that got botched. (Dunno how, I was momentarily distracted).

One night they made a plan to bash in the windows of their school. BUT they got caught by the music teacher, who confiscated their stuff (latex gloves and tin cans), and promised them that they'd be dealt with. So what does Kevin propose they do? Kill the teacher, of course! It was sick, one of those kids was in BAND, so he worked with this teacher a LOT. He was the one to knock on the door and when the teacher answered, Kevin killed him with a shotgun.

They ended up getting caught, a few of the guys got life sentences--they avoided the death penalty by squealing on Kevin, who got DID get the death penalty. He, of course, was pissed and began plotting his revenge from the cell.

One news reporter felt drawn to this kid and began to write him. He was planning on writing a book on the whole thing after doing a few news stories about it (he was a reporter for the local paper). He and Kevin actually became friends and would talk about how they got off on thinking about committing murder, and all this chaos.

Together, they began to plot how to kill the kids that turned on Kevin. He really had it in for his best friend, who ratted him out. Right before they got arrested, Kevin turned to his friend and said "I'll see you in hell". He wanted this reporter, Jim, to dig a grave, bring the friend to it, and right before he shot him say "I'll see you in hell" so he'd get the message that this was all Kevin's doing.

Jim would talk about how his marriage was loveless and all that crap, how his wife was a control freak, a bitch, etc. His wife worked in a morgue, and Kevin offered to perform sexual acts on her and do a LIVE autopsy on her as well when he got out of prison. SICK SICK SICK.

Oh and get this, Kevin's MOM was in on all of this too. It's so screwed up. Jim ended up going to the prosecutor and telling him everrrythingggg. Now the mom is in jail for 5 years. Jim thinks he's on the top of her and Kevin's list, and I guess he has guns all over his house and stuff.

Jim said that even though he was pretty much friends with the guy, he felt no guilt about turning them in. He also said he was never sucked into Kevin's little fantasy. He apparently was always coherent. He finally decided to go to someone when the mother got involved. Idk though, I can see how he could very easily get sucked into the whole mess. I, however, want to believe that he was never there, that he always had his head straight.

This whole thing just pissed me off though. Because some punk ass kids got bored, that teacher was killed. His sister was being interviewed and she was crying. How fucking selfish do you have to be to just take the life of someone else??? Even if you COULD justify that they did you wrong, that person has a FAMILY, what did THEY do to you? The whole thing just sickens me.

UGHHHHHHH. It makes me wanna be a detective so I can lock ass holes like that away :P

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The 7 things I like about you.... [22 Jul 2008|11:19pm]
[ mood | hot ]

I'm so tired. I have to work tomorrow but I don't want to sleep. I want to read, and I want to watch my new favorite station, "Investigation Discovery". It is soooo good. All about FBI cases, and investigations, andddd crazy psycho killers and stuff. Although, watching this station a lot, and reading Stephen King is fucking with my head. I've been having weird dreams. Well... I always have weird dreams, but these are weird in a creepy sense.

You know the girl in "The Ring"? I can't remember her name... Samara or whatever. I had a dream that I woke up and she was in my room. But... not like, crawling out of the tv. She was standing facing the corner of my room, back to my bed, and she was in that white nightgown and her hair was all down and in her face. Then I ran out of my room to my nephew's room and slept in there with him, haha. There was more to the dream than that, but I can't remember it clearly enough :/

I'm reading "It". That book is over 1000 pages long!! Holy shit! I'm like... 200 pages in I think. Probably a little bit more. The last part I read scared the shit out of me and I had to sleep with the tv on, haha. I was hoping to be done with this book before we went camping, but thaaaaat's not gonna happen. Oh well. I'll just scare the shit out of myself while sleeping out doors. No bid deal, right? Haaaaa. At least I didn't choose to read "The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon" while camping. Then I'd be fucked. :)

Oh shit son, so today.... I printed my portfolio. It scares the crap out of me, because it means now it's time to start the job hunt. I mean, I want out of Sears, no doubt. I hate it there now. The only thing I like about it is a handful of people that I work with. But I'm soooo scared to start applying places. I'm looking into publishing houses mostly. I really want to make book covers. I've made 6 for assignments, so.... yay! I love it. I want to do it. I'm looking in Michigan and in Texas. I'm scared scared scared scared. I really think I'm gonna end up in Texas. But I don't want to stay long. Too far away from family. Ugh.

My sister had her check-up today! Cancer-free!! Yayyyy!! We were all so happy. Her next check-up is in October. Hopefully it'll all still be good. It was funny, she came out and was laughing because the doctor looked in her no-no area, and was like "It looks beautiful!" He meant of course, that she was clean and good, nothing there. But she kept walking around saying "I have a pretty pussy!" Hahahahha it was funny. I love my family.

2 comments|post comment

[19 Jul 2008|01:37am]
[ mood | hot ]

I came in here fully intent on writing an actually entry. But ughhh it's so fucking hot. Like, sweat down my back and in-between the boobage hot. And of course, the laptop is getting warm, so that's not helping things much. So therefore I won't be talking or typing about all the things I had wanted to, because if I'm in here any longer I think I might hurl due to the heat.

I will say though, that I'm reading Stephen King's "It" and holy SHIT that book is 1078 pages long!!!!! WTF!! I had better read a lot because if I take too long I'll get bored. Not cuz of the story, but because if I take too long reading something I get tired of it and want to be done. Mehhhhhh.

Also. Doctor Horrible, oooommmggggg. Joss is a fucking genius, I love him, I neeeeeeeeeeeed to work with that guy, how do I do it?!??! I would sing the musicals praises right now but it's way too hot so now I must go. Bah.

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Catalyst [16 Jul 2008|10:51pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

Title: Catalyst
Author: Laurie Halse Anderson
Copyright date: 2002
Publisher: The Penguin Group
How many pages: 231
How long it took me to read: 3 days

Category: Teen Fiction
I learned about this book from: Laura recommended I read it
This book was purchased at: I borrowed it from Laura
Other books by this author: Speak, Fever 1793

Main characters: Katie
Favorite characters: Mickey
Least favorite Characters: Teri, through most of it.
When and Where the story takes place: present day, some city
Plot in a nutshell: Eighteen-year-old Kate, who sometimes chafes at being a preacher's daughter, finds herself losing control in her senior year as she faces difficult neighbors, the possibility that she may not be accepted by the college of her choice, and an unexpected death.

What I liked best: I guess relating the whole thing to chemistry was cool, but I didn't understand any of that.
What I liked least: The death that occurs. I hated it, and completely shut-down after it.

What parts could you relate to: idk
Would this book make a good movie?: Nope, and I wouldn't see it.
Quote from the book that sums it up: n/a

Overall Rating: Good story, well written, underlying meaning... but I'd never read it again, too sad for me thanks.

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Twilight [14 Jul 2008|08:40pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

Title: Twilight
Author: Stephanie Meyer
Copyright date: 2005
Publisher: Little, Brown and Company
How many pages: 498
How long it took me to read: 3 days

Category: Teen Fiction
I learned about this book from: Ummm I saw it on the shelves at stores allllllll the time, but Molly was the first to recommend it :)
This book was purchased at: I borrowed it from Erica :)
Other books by this author: New Moon, Eclipse

Main characters: Edward and Bella
Favorite characters: Edward, Bella, Alice, and the rest of the Cullens
Least favorite Characters: ehhh Jacob bugs me, but perhaps I've been brainwashed lol Oh oh! The cover, don't like it :P
When and Where the story takes place: City of Forks, I can't remember the state though
Plot in a nutshell: Vampire-Human love story. I don't think I have to explain, everyone knows about it lol

What I liked best: I liked the tweaking of the vampire legend, that's always interesting. I also like the Cullens, how they came to be and such.
What I liked least: Um I guess... I didn't really have any problems, but Erica pointed out that this story is taken at face value, there's no underlying meaning, which would have been cool. But I'm not complaining, it's a great story.

What parts could you relate to: Falling down a lot lol
Would this book make a good movie?: hope so :)
Quote from the book that sums it up: n/a

Overall Rating: Innovative, interesting, romantic and suspenseful.... 2 thumbs up :)

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I laugh when you are crying and say inside you're dying [14 Jul 2008|03:54pm]
[ mood | angry ]

Gahhhhh!!! I don't know why, but I'm in such a fit of rage today. Last night I was cranky and now I'm downright... well, infected with rage. Like in "28 Days Later". Did anyone see any crazy monkeys around here?!

I'm really hoping that it's a sign that my period is about to come back. I do NOT want to get those hormonal tests, because that means more doctor visits and doctor bills on no insurance. Bah. Fuck that.

Today at work was Just Reduced day. Every Monday we have to scan aaaaaallllll the merchandise on the floor to see if the price went down. For each piece, it goes down a month. But for some reason every FUCKING tag from July 9th WOULD NOT FUCKING SCAN!!! I was getting so mad. I very nearly threw the stupid snic on the ground and was gonna pretend it was an accident. Everytime you CAN'T scan the shit, you have to manually put in the division number, the model number, and the four-digit number that distinguishes tags from each other. OMG I was so pissed. I remember thinking about how some people can see auras, and if anyone walked in the same room as me, they'd probably go running for cover. Yeah. I was THAT pissed.

I still am, but at least now I'm not at a boring as fuck job where the time is dragging on and on and on and fucking on.... Here at least I can have my music, my movies, my books, my Internet. All that stuff is gooooooood. Oooo I could even take a nap! Mmmm...nap.

This is my third day reading Twilight, and it feels weird because the last few books I read I finished in 2 days, or 3. If I don't finish it tonight I'll get super-impatient and want to hurry through it. Maybe I'll read some and then get reeeeeally tired and then fall asleep and stuff....idk lol.

But gahhhh I don't know about this. Vampire love stories can never end well lol. Unless the vampire becomes human, but...I only liked that the one time in Angel. It made me cry :( Maybe in LJ Smith's books the vampire-human thing worked out...I can't remember though it's been YEEEEEEEEEAAAARRRRRSSS since I read those. And OMG I saw "The Vampire Diaries" at B&N and omg omg. IT HAD A NEW COVER!!!!!

Okay you're probably thinking I'm a spaz, but I thought all of LJ Smith's books were going out of print, and now..... there's A NEW COVER!!! I like it better lol.... but how sensible is it to re-buy the thing just cuz it's prettier?? Probably not very, but I so would...

Ahhhh I just got an email from my aunt. Here, you can read it :)

Hi Jackie,
The keychain you sent Ann (she received it today) is wonderful. I would like to hire you for a project. I need about 67 placemats with a family tree on it and fall colored leaves. It's for our Thanksgiving table at (hopefully) the Marriott in Livonia on Nov. 27th. I would like the placemats laminated. Is this something you would be interested in doing? I think I would, also, like a keychain for everyone but need to think that through a little more.

I'm gonna be hired again! Woot! At this rate I'm gonna have material for a whole new portfolio before I even get the first one printed!!

This news has made me happier. I'm gonna go before that changes, cuz I can still feel the fire inside....

2 comments|post comment

Gossip Girl: You Know You Love Me [12 Jul 2008|07:29pm]
[ mood | drained ]

Title: Gossip Girl: You Know You Love Me
Author: Cecily von Ziegesar
Copyright date: 2002
Publisher: Little, Brown and Company
How many pages: 227
How long it took me to read: 2 days

Category: Teen Fiction
I learned about this book from: I guess the first one...
This book was purchased at: dunno, it's Laura's :)
Other books by this author: A bunch of other GG books

Main characters: Blair, Serena, Nate, Dan, Jenny
Favorite characters: Serena, Jenny, and actually Nate this time around... also Aaron and Tyler lol
Least favorite Characters: Almost everybody else lol
When and Where the story takes place: NYC, present day
Plot in a nutshell: It's basically all about the relationships between people developing and changing while they apply to colleges.

What I liked best: Again, the blogs are still my favorite part. And I like the relationship forming between Nate and Jenny.
What I liked least: Blair being a spoiled bitch, and Dan turning into a creepy creepy dude.

What parts could you relate to: I've applied to college before lol
Did you learn anything from this book: Nah.
Would you read it again, or give it away: Probably wouldn't read it again, I rarely do when it's a whole series like this is.
Would this book make a good movie?: tv showwww
Quote from the book that sums it up: n/a

Overall Rating: Still going with Publishers Weekly: "A nasty, guilty pleasure. The book has the effect of gossip itself -- once you enter, it's hard to extract yourself."

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Gossip Girl [11 Jul 2008|12:06pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]
[ music | Ashlee Simpson // Autobiography ]

Title: Gossip Girl
Author: Cecily von Ziegesar
Copyright date: 2002
Publisher: Little, Brown and Company
How many pages: 201
How long it took me to read: 3 days

Category: Teen Fiction
I learned about this book from: I really don't remember lol
This book was purchased at: dunno, it's Laura's :)
Other books by this author: A bunch of other GG books

Main characters: Blair and Serena, and I guess Nate?
Favorite characters: Guh I didn't like ANYBODY til almost the end lol, but I like Serena, Dan, Jenny, and maybe Vanessa and her sister Ruby
Least favorite Characters: Pretty much everybody else lol
When and Where the story takes place: NYC, present day
Plot in a nutshell: Serena is back in town after getting kicked out of boarding school... here, the back of the book says "Welcome to NYC's Upper East Side, where my friends and I live, go to school, play, and sleep -- sometimes with each other..... S is back from boarding school, and if we aren't careful, she's going to win over our teachers, wear that dress we couldn't fit into, steal our boyfriends' hearts, and basically ruin our lives in a major way. I'll be watching closely.... You know you love me, gossip girl"

What I liked best: I really like the Gossip Girl blogs. It's a unique angle, and I like how it seems as if she's narrating the whole thing. After reading this, I realize how awesome Kristen Bell does on the show :)
What I liked least: It was interesting, but it took me a long time to like a character, and if I don't like any of the characters, I pretty much don't care. But I like it now lol

What parts could you relate to: I guess getting caught up in gossip. Done that before.
Did you learn anything from this book: Just confirmed that guys suck ahaha.
Would you read it again, or give it away: Probably wouldn't read it again.
Would this book make a good movie?: It's a tv show, I think that's waaaaayyyy better since it's all gossipy.
Quote from the book that sums it up: n/a

Overall Rating: Publishers Weekly said it best: "A nasty, guilty pleasure. The book has the effect of gossip itself -- once you enter, it's hard to extract yourself."

2 comments|post comment

I'd Tell You I Love You, But Then I'd Have to Kill You [08 Jul 2008|04:01pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Title: I'd Tell You I Love You, But Then I'd Have to Kill You
Author: Ally Carter
Copyright date: 2006
Publisher: Hyperion
How many pages: 284
How long it took me to read: 2 days

Category: Teen Fiction
I learned about this book from: Barnes & Noble
This book was purchased at: B & N :)
Other books by this author: Cross My Heart and Hope to Spy

Main characters: Cammie, and her friends Liz and Bex
Favorite characters: I liked almost all the characters, so idk
Least favorite Characters: Dillon, he's a DICK
When and Where the story takes place: Present day, at an all girls school
Plot in a nutshell: Teenage genius girls training to be spies, but then one meets a boy, and she can't tell him the truth about her..

What I liked best: I've always liked the whole "spy" angle. When I was little I acted like Harriet the Spy all the time, and my cousin and I had "agent" names. Oh...I also like how the author keeps referencing Gilmore Girls and Buffy :)
What I liked least: It was a little TOO easy of a read, not much depth there.

What parts could you relate to: Unfortunately I'm not cool enough to be a sweet spy or anything..
Did you learn anything from this book: No lol
Would you read it again, or give it away: Ehhh idk maybe
Would this book make a good movie?: It could either be a very clever, fun movie or a bad Spy Kids rip-off starring Jamie Lynn Spears.... I suppose it depends on how they go about it.
Quote from the book that sums it up: n/a

Overall Rating: A little simple, but entertaining nonetheless. And I love the spy angle. I plan on getting book two for sure :)

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Bubbly is Bogus. [07 Jul 2008|05:21pm]
[ mood | determined ]

So has anyone else noticed that the less and less time you spend learning, obviously the less you know, but the more you forget?

I used to be so good with grammar, and better at art recognition and stuff. Not anymore! Today on Jeopardy they showed a painting that I KNOW I've studied and asked a question about it and I couldn't for the life of me remember the answer. Of course no one on the show got it right either, but still.

I LIKE knowing stuff. I like to be educated, I like learning, and if the subject is right, I even like studying!

So you can imagine my horror when I constantly screw up their/there/they're and know/no/now and so on. Granted it's mostly typing errors and that's pretty easy to do. But it bothers me.

So today I bought this book called "The Intellectual Devotion". On the cover it says "Revive Your Mind, Complete Your Education, and Roam Confidently with the Cultured Class". Everyday you read something about a certain subject. On Mondays you learn about History, Tuesdays it's Literature, Wednesday it's Visual Arts, Thursday it's Science, Friday it's Music, on Saturday you read about Philosophy, and on Sunday, appropriately enough, Religion.

I'm excited for this, except for the fact that I don't learn by reading, I learn by doing. I considered maybe writing a blurb about what I read each day, maybe even something narrative, but idk... maybe I'll just read. My other issue is that I'm currently reading "I'd Tell You I Love You, But Then I'd Have to Kill You". I started yesterday and I'm already half-way through, which shows you it's an easy read and one that I find hard to put down. Also, it's hard for me to juggle multiple projects.

Oh listen to me making all of these excuses....I should just do it, right? Read an effing page a day, and write a lil somethin-somethin' about it, eh? I should. I will. And today is Monday which means I have to start today or wait a week. I really don't think I have the patience to wait a week lol.

So the question remains.... do I read "I'd Tell You" first, or the Devotional? I think I'll call it the ID from now on :D

Hehe.... well what to do what to do.....

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I walked a thousand miles while everyone was asleep... [06 Jul 2008|09:32pm]
[ mood | morose ]
[ music | Ashlee Simpson // Autobiography ]

This is effing LAME.

Today was such a waste. Well not completely I guess because I finished one book and started another. I also worked more on Cassie's wedding invites. I really should have cleaned and done some portfolio work.

But really... I got to the point where I wanted to do something, but do nothing. I was bored almost to tears, but that same force kept me incapable of doing anything about it. Lame lame LAME. Boy I use that word a lot lately.

*Sigh* I'm thinking more and more about this portfolio crap. I don't want to do it. I just don't. I know that's just cuz I'm freaking out about moving on. Among other things. But... meh.

Michigan is a shithole right now. As much as I like it here, the economy is a waste. There's no jobs, people are rapidly losing money, companies are closing, gas prices are rising (everywhere I know, but still)... it's scary. I really should leave... but I have family and friends here. I don't want to go.

But in Fort Worth, I have my cousin. I really miss her and we connect so deeply... I really believe I'm a better person around her. So that's a plus. Also, it'd be a whole new start for me. I just don't know.... it's Texas. It's so far, and it has tornadoes way more often than we do :X That scares the bejeesus out of me. Oh and they have a lot more scary spiders lol

Ugh I'm sitting here feeling so stuck and bored, that I'm actually looking forward to going to work tomorrow. How sick is that??!

2 comments|post comment

It's just your doubts that bind you... [02 Jul 2008|08:55pm]
[ mood | touched ]

Man, am I ever addicted to Word Twist on facebook! It's sooo much fun. I'm currently tied with another friend for 127 points. I'm determined to beat that, buuuut it's not as easy as it would seem.

So I gave Scott's sister, Emma, a graduation card, and his family gave one to me. I miss them so much. I wish someone would give him a lobotomy so that he would become the perfect guy and then I could go back with him lol. I know it's bad wanting to date a guy for his family, buuuut... they're so great. Ooo maybe we don't know this but he has a twin brother.... a GOOD twin, and they were separated at birth! Guh... one can dream, no? Anywho, in Emma's thank you card she mentioned that maybe I'll design a book cover for her one day...which would rock. She wants to write a book, and maybe edit them too? I can't remember if that's what she said, but either way, that's the field she wants to go into. On that note, miss Candy, if you get to choose who designs your covers, give me a call :D

I really need to get this portfolio done to prove my damn therapist wrong. By the time I go back I want to be able to say not only is it done and printed, but it's submitted to publishing houses in Michigan and Texas. My friends are so great, they made me feel a lot better about the situation, and reading Molly and Emma's messages made me happy as well. All of it gives me hope that I can, in fact, be normal. And not just normal, be totally awesome. I want to be awesome!! And I want to know it, but not be a bitch about it.

I also want to write more. I have an idea for a book but it'd be horror/suspense and I dunno if I'm any good at that. I suppose I can try though, and Laura would totally be able to help me out. And Katherine. They loooooooove the scary movies so it'd be a good choice (and yes Candypants, you would get to read as well...obviously :)

I just wish I could get the strength, courage, and determination to do it. But I really don't think that will happen until I'm out of this house.

Ugh. I'm just a mess of complicated.

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yeah ok :P [30 Jun 2008|06:36pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

1. Name:
2. Birthday:
3. Where do you live:
4: What are you studying/What are you working as:
5. What makes you happy:
6. What are you listening to now/have listened to last:
7. What is particularly good/bad about my LJ:
8. An interesting fact about you:
9. Are you in love/have a crush at the moment:
10. Favorite place to be:
11. Favorite lyric:
12. Best time of the year:
13. Weirdest food you like:

1. A film:
2. A book:
3. A song:
4: A band:

1. Favorite Fandom:
2. OTP/OT3:
3. Icon/Fic Journal (so I can join):

1. One thing you like about me:
2. Two things you like about yourself:
3. Put this in your lj so I can tell you what I think of you?

1 comment|post comment

And the record keeps playing the same old song.... [29 Jun 2008|09:33pm]
[ mood | sick ]
[ music | Good Charlotte // Good Morning Revival ]

So the graduation festivities were yesterday. It went pretty well. Though the result today is sadness, sickness, and nearly rubbed off rub on tattoos. But hey, that's just me.

Of course it took this to finally break me. I'm completely back to how I was before. Feeling hopeless and talentless and worthless. Of course, that makes me feel immensely guilty, because all these people spent their time and money to help me celebrate my this massive accomplishment of mine. I don't feel worthy, and I feel like I should. I'm like Buffy in season 7. She had a superiority complex, and an inferiority complex about her superiority complex. Only.... those aren't exactly my complexes.


The party started at 5:30, which is lame, because my sister told me 6, so that's what the invites said. Oh well.

I enjoyed hanging out with family and friends. Of course, my sister decided it would be fantastic to bring a guy she wanted to hook me up with. Whooooooooaaa massive pressure there, folks! I was freaking out, because 1, what if we hit it off? 2, what if we DIDN'T hit it off? What if, either way, I had to entertain him?! Gahhhhhhhhhhhh!!! It ended up not mattering because he was so shy that we barely exchanged 2 words and barely spent 5 minutes together. Also, my nephew Gary was smarticle and suggested beer to calm the nerves. Ohhhh yeah. I had 2, and then Laura and Ryan brought vodka, so I spiked my drinks. Then I was good and ready to meet this character. He's really not my type physically, but apparently those he DID talk to said he seemed really nice and I should give him a chance. Therefore, there's a group date with my sisters, their husbands, and me and this guy to go to the comedy club next Friday.

I really don't see anything happening though, because I didn't feel much then. Also, he is soooooooo quiet, what are the odds? Guh. Oh well, I'm still gonna do it. Just to say I did it, I suppose. Plus this comedy club should be fun. Hopefully I'll be able to make Laura and Ryan's party afterward.

Some surprises, first of all, my friends Rachel and Josh never showed. I wonder why?? Hmmmmm. I haven't heard from them yet, so who knows.

JOHN, my nephew, is joining the air force. I'm very proud of him, but it terrifies me so much. So we're not going to talk about it anymore, cuz I'll cry.

My cousin Thommy was there!! I was so excited, I haven't seen him in forever!! Every person I meet I tell about Thommy. I don't know if I ever wrote about him in my journals or not though. You tell me. He has had crazy experiences with roller coasters, spiders, cliffs, sky-diving, and cars. Any ring a bell? Also, he wrote a movie that Miramax bought. I hope they get off their asses and make it, cuz it was supposed to be in theatres last fall!! They haven't shot a THING yet! Ugh. I was excited that Laura, Ryan, and Amanda got to meet him, though. I effing love that guy.

Amanda came! Yay! If you read this Amanda, I appreciate it. I know that what you're going through now sucks, so it means a lot. Thank you :)

Oh! Another shocker. When I was flipping out over having to meet this guy, do you know who came to my rescue? Besides Gary and Ashley, who encouraged the alcohol consumption, lmao. My nephew Chris!

Some background on Chris. He and my nephew (his brother) Corey, used to be 2 of my best friends. Both are older than me, Corey by 2 months and Chris by a year or 2. When we got to that age where boys and girls are "icky" to each other, we kinda stopped talking. Corey and I ended up getting close again because we were both into music and writing songs. We even wrote a few together and encouraged each other. Chris and I kept drifting though. Even after his son was born on MY BIRTHDAY (crazy, eh?) we still didn't talk much. I mean, we don't have much in common at all.

But at this party, he found out how freaked I was. He talked to me and told me to just relax, I shouldn't feel any pressure because this is MY party. No one can tell me what to do or how to feel, and to just go with it. It made me feel better. I was so surprised because we never talked like that before. When it came time for him to go to work, I hugged him goodbye, thanked him for coming, and congratulated him on his own graduation from the fire academy. Yes, he's gonna be a fire fighter!! I'll be at his party on July 18. Anywhoo, I was happy for that interaction. I miss being close to him. Who am I kidding though, I want to be close to everyone I know lol.

I really need to do stuff when I don't feel like it. Today I didn't feel like doing so much, including this entry, but look how it turned out! Pretty effing long and revealing. *Sigh* now I guess I'm gonna go thru the tedious process of jpeging my portfolio so people can look at it and give me feedback. I so don't want to, but I will. Because I'll hate myself if I don't, and I really need to. I feel good if I do. So there. Question me, jerk, see where it gets you :P

Oh, btw, anyone here watch Dawson's Creek? I swear, the whole Joey-and-Pacey thing in season 4 is soooooooooooooo much like the relationship I had with Scott. Of course there were some major and obvious differences, but still. It creeped me out, but I also thought it was awesome because I've never seen a relationship like that on tv.

Also, I'm wearing a shirt that is camo-print that says DROP AND GIVE ME 20. Aaaaaaaahahahahahahaha.

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Don't you know this misery loves me.... [25 Jun 2008|10:54pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | Good Charlotte // Good Morning Revival ]


You give your love and friendship unconditionally. You enjoy long, thoughtful conversations rich in philosophy and spirituality. You are very loyal and intuitive.

Find out your color at!

lol well what do ya know:

Discover your Zodiac Personality @ Quiz Me

Guhhh I'm so tired. I worked my aunt fanny off at work. My feet and in paaaain as are my knees, as usual. I don't really have anything to say. I'm in the writing mood, but I'm too tired to pursue it any further atm. So.... there ya have :P
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I got brass knuckles hanging from my neck on my chain... [24 Jun 2008|09:56pm]
[ mood | stressed ]
[ music | Good Charlotte // Good Morning Revival ]

Gahhhhhhhhh!!!! I'm getting so annoyed working on this effing portfolio. But I have to do it, I HAVE to because I keep putting it off the more I lose that SC vibe. And the more I put it off, the worse I feel. Ugh. I've been going at it for about 2 hours though, so at least that's good.

I have to do it though. I'm about to reach my breaking point at Sears. And no doubt, at home. I have to get a real job. I'm just so frustrated right now.

I'm trying to fix a magazine cover design I did...and it's just not working. I emailed a friend from school to get her opinion, which helps. I think it's as good as it's gonna get, which still isn't good enough for me, but oh well.

Also, have you ever seriously doubted where you're going in life? I mean, I was originally a journalism major. And I wonder what would happen if I quit art entirely and focused on writing. When I was writing all the time, I was good at it. I'd get A's on my papers, and was even the envy of my journalism class. Why did I stop? For two reasons. 1, I discovered the love of graphic design. 2, I got scared. Story of my life.

But seriously, how the frak am I supposed to know if I'm doing the right thing? I know I'm re-thinking this because of the pressure. But there are other doubts weighing me down. And what if this ISN'T what I should be doing? What if I got off my ass and started writing my stories?? What if that spark would be rekindled?

Guhhhh I'm not in the place to experiment, because I know myself. I'll get partway into something and lose interest. I just can't do that. I HAVE to get somewhere and soon. With Graphic Design, I already have the degree. I almost have the portfolio.

I so wish I wasn't such a 'fraidy cat in high school. If I wasn't, I would have stuck with singing lessons, acting lessons, drawing, etc. And I'd probably kick ass at them by now. Ugh. That's one thing I really struggle with not regretting. I know everything happens for a reason, but all those things deliberately did NOT happen because of my fears. Lame lame lame. It makes me so mad at myself.

If I dwell on that, I get sooooo sad, and I REALLY feel regretful. But I can't have that, because I can't change it. So, I'll go back to this portfolio work, and hope that it stops pissing me off long enough for me to get somewhere....

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If you got the song, just sing it.... [21 Jun 2008|03:12pm]
[ mood | creative ]
[ music | Ashley Tisdale // Headstrong ]

Okay, so.... I really want to write atm and for some reason lj's writer's block archive is being an asshole. So.... I'll ask y'all for help on this little project of mine. And if you so choose, you can ask your fellow journalers (did I just make up a word?!) for their suggestions as well. Here's the dillio.

I miss my cousin dearly. Therefore, I'm making her a keychain. Makes sense, no? Haha. Okay well what I'm doing is putting a picture of us on one side, and for the other side, she gets to pick. So I'm designing a bunch of "other side options" on photoshop using phrases and such that I like. I'll show you on here what I've made so far. I'll send them all to her, and she can interchange them as she chooses. I'm also making one for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!! Haha. Blame that outburst on the coffee :P

Anyway, you can send me your favorite sayings, song lyrics, etc. They can be funny, motivational, inspirational, whateverrr. Here be what I have so far. OH and you're more than welcome to include what you think would best illustrate said phrase. I had no idea what to do for the positive attitude one, when my friend Laura suggested a smiling sun. Perrrrfect.

You can give me 1, 10, 20 suggestions. Maybe while you listen to your music you hear a fun verse, tell JACKIE!!!!!!!!

What I've got so far.... )

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With a new attitude anything can change.... [17 Jun 2008|10:38pm]
[ mood | working ]
[ music | Meet Miley Cyrus ]

Oh Lord, I knew this was going to happen. I've sunken back into the same ol' depressingly stale and limiting routine. I hate it. Going to bed knowing I have to wake up and go to work at Sears lays really heavy on my chest. The away from home vacation buzz is quickly fading, and I have to move quickly before I sink totally back into my funk.

What's good, and what's keeping me from going down is the memory of that feeling. The feeling of being able to breathe, and be happy, and be myself. To be confident. GOD it's an amazing feeling and I want it back. I can barely remember what it feels like. I'm guessing within the next couple of days I will no longer feel it, and will begin to struggle with why I liked that feeling so much. Soon after, I will forget it all together. I'm going to fight it, but it's SO hard.

That's weird, isn't it? The fact that I know how amazingly happy I was before. How I was so near fearless and was the supreme version of myself.... yet I'm doing all I can to hold myself back from that now. I have to force myself to work on my portfolio. When I do, I hit block after creative block. It makes me sad and frustrated. Which makes me want to quit. The crazy thing? I think it's subconscious. I know I'm out of creative practice, but I really think that with my history that this isn't just a bit of bad luck.

But I also am excited for the fight. I can feel the resistance building in me everyday to take the easy way out. I can feel myself WANTING to be miserable for ever. But I've seen the light at the end of the tunnel. I KNOW how good things can get for me. I have to push my fears aside, because not too long ago, I DID have faith in myself. I need to remember that. I have to. If I don't..... let's say, things will never change. And I can't have that.

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