So I don't think I realized how truly and deeply unhappy I was here until I went on vacation. Which was amazing, btw. We took a road trip down to South Carolina with stops in West Virginia, South Carolina (before reaching Hilton Head Island), and then went to North Carolina and Ohio on the way back.

The island was AMAZING. I got to spend time with family who I haven't seen in a long time, and my cousin Ann and I got to re-connect. We used to be best friends when we were little. Over the weekend, we got to discover how much we truly had in common.

We did a lot of fun stuff, the most memorable probably being the parasailing, and the lil dolphin cruise. We saw baby dolphins, awwww!!

I discovered that when I'm not at home, when I'm actually out, ESPECIALLY with Annie, I'm a whole new person. Well, more like a polished up, way way waaaaaaaaaaaayyyy happier version of myself. The fears I had diminished, my depression went away (or was tucked away for the time being, until I got back home lol).

Because of that, I'm getting the show on the road. I plan on working on my portfolio today, and I'll search for jobs in Michigan and Fort Worth, Texas. I honestly thinking moving to Texas would be the smartest and most healthy thing I could do for myself, but idk. I really don't want to leave my family. However, I do want to get out of here and be around my cousin. I guess I'll just apply to places and wherever I get in is where I'll go!

Has anyone else seen the episode of Buffy where she wakes up in a mental institution and suddenly doesn't know which life is real: the slayer life, or the crazy person who's latched on to these fictional characters she created?

Man, I really wish I could do that. Only, reverse it.

I wish there was a way that I could form my own little reality and live in it. I don't care if in real life I'm strapped to some table getting shot up every so often to stop fits. I wouldn't know it, I would think I was perfectly happy. So who cares, right?

I'm so completely unhappy with everything. I can't remember the last time I felt genuine happiness. Wait.... actually, I do. It was when Laura told me how much she loved VM. So see? My own little virtual world would be perfect, because beyond that, I honestly haven't a clue.

Yeah yeah whatever, this is just me rebelling to try to make myself fail. Congratulations self, you're damn good at it.

I don't care. The only time I feel any piece of contentment is watching my shows, sometimes reading. But either way, it's my own little world, with no cares. Is that why people do drugs? Maybe I should look into that lol.

Ugh I'm such a loser, and I suck.

So I talked to my therapist about how I've been feeling, and apparently I'm doing it all to myself.... setting myself up for failure. I'm convincing myself that I can't do anything, and that I WILL fail, so that I'll stay at home with my mother. But it's okay, that's how I was raised.

Meh.

Actually, it's not okay. I just have to realize that all of that stuff isn't true. It's not real. I'm not really stupid. I'm quite capable.

So why don't I buy any of it? :(