This is effing LAME.

Today was such a waste. Well not completely I guess because I finished one book and started another. I also worked more on Cassie's wedding invites. I really should have cleaned and done some portfolio work.

But really... I got to the point where I wanted to do something, but do nothing. I was bored almost to tears, but that same force kept me incapable of doing anything about it. Lame lame LAME. Boy I use that word a lot lately.

*Sigh* I'm thinking more and more about this portfolio crap. I don't want to do it. I just don't. I know that's just cuz I'm freaking out about moving on. Among other things. But... meh.

Michigan is a shithole right now. As much as I like it here, the economy is a waste. There's no jobs, people are rapidly losing money, companies are closing, gas prices are rising (everywhere I know, but still)... it's scary. I really should leave... but I have family and friends here. I don't want to go.

But in Fort Worth, I have my cousin. I really miss her and we connect so deeply... I really believe I'm a better person around her. So that's a plus. Also, it'd be a whole new start for me. I just don't know.... it's Texas. It's so far, and it has tornadoes way more often than we do :X That scares the bejeesus out of me. Oh and they have a lot more scary spiders lol

Ugh I'm sitting here feeling so stuck and bored, that I'm actually looking forward to going to work tomorrow. How sick is that??!

Oh Lord, I knew this was going to happen. I've sunken back into the same ol' depressingly stale and limiting routine. I hate it. Going to bed knowing I have to wake up and go to work at Sears lays really heavy on my chest. The away from home vacation buzz is quickly fading, and I have to move quickly before I sink totally back into my funk.

What's good, and what's keeping me from going down is the memory of that feeling. The feeling of being able to breathe, and be happy, and be myself. To be confident. GOD it's an amazing feeling and I want it back. I can barely remember what it feels like. I'm guessing within the next couple of days I will no longer feel it, and will begin to struggle with why I liked that feeling so much. Soon after, I will forget it all together. I'm going to fight it, but it's SO hard.

That's weird, isn't it? The fact that I know how amazingly happy I was before. How I was so near fearless and was the supreme version of myself.... yet I'm doing all I can to hold myself back from that now. I have to force myself to work on my portfolio. When I do, I hit block after creative block. It makes me sad and frustrated. Which makes me want to quit. The crazy thing? I think it's subconscious. I know I'm out of creative practice, but I really think that with my history that this isn't just a bit of bad luck.

But I also am excited for the fight. I can feel the resistance building in me everyday to take the easy way out. I can feel myself WANTING to be miserable for ever. But I've seen the light at the end of the tunnel. I KNOW how good things can get for me. I have to push my fears aside, because not too long ago, I DID have faith in myself. I need to remember that. I have to. If I don't..... let's say, things will never change. And I can't have that.

I was so embarrassed today at work!! I was talking to two people I work with, Darek and Lisa. Darek is about my age, and Lisa is 40ish. And of course, I'm relentlessly trying to get people to go see Forgetting Sarah Marshall tomorrow. So I keep plugging it, talking about the movie and Kristen Bell and Paul Rudd. So yeah... Lisa looks at Darek and says "You should take her to the movies."

Oh. My. Wow.

I really hope I didn't blush when she said that because I don't want him to get the wrong idea. I really tried my best to just play it off like, eh. I just shrugged and said "You can come with us tomorrow night if you want." He just said "I don't really go to the movies anymore".

I kept thinking, should I say something to him? Apologize for that moment? No, that's dumb because I did NOTHING to instigate it whatsoever. I kept thinking I should say at least "Uh I didn't have anything to do with that, so don't worry". But I did not.

But boys don't read into that stuff, do they? It's just girls that do that kind of thing. He's a really cool guy and I enjoy talking to him, I just... yeah. I hope there's no misunderstandings there.

So I've noticed something about myself. Whenever I do something that thrusts me in the limelight, be it a speech, a presentation, or an art show set-up (all of which I've done in the past couple of days) I get completely judgemental and critical towards myself. After I say something, I think "you should have said it THIS way" or I always think that I could have done so much better, or could be so much better, and I feel like CRAP. Why do I do this? I don't know, I guess I just have a need to be perfect in everything but feel like I'm lousy in all aspects. Grah.

Anyway. Let's answer the question of the day.

I was just going to skip this question, but then I started thinking about it and realized I do have an answer for it.

I would want to go back to Biblical times. Of course, I couldn't change anything, nor could I interact with people because well.... that screws stuff up. Though it would be kinda cool to read about myself in the Bible, hehe.

But yeah. There's so many questions and debates about whether what the Bible says is literal, if it's all interpreted, if it's just stories, blah blah blah. I'd go and find out the answers. Did the world really flood back then? Did the red sea REALLY part? What if I could be around for the creation of the world? That would be pretty sweet. Probably creepy... but kinda cool. Can you imagine what the planet looked like before we introduced it to trash and exhaust and smog and all the crap that we're destroying it with? I mean, so many parts of nature are the most beautiful things you will ever see. What if it all looked like that back then? It would be so amazing.

Yeah. That's definitely what I would want to do.

So do you want to hear something weird? For the first time in a VERY long time, I felt happy and accomplished today! And it all happened because I forced myself to crack my shell that I've built up. A shell of anger, fear and misery. A bad bad shell. Not a good one. Comprende?

Anyhoo.

I'm really effing tired but I still have more stuff to do before I go to bed, and I really need a break from that crap. So on we go.

I was worried today was gonna be bad. First off, I woke up 45 minutes late. Not a big deal, but I did want to shower before work. I didn't get that opportunity. Then when I went to make my lunch, I caused a massive avalanche of cookie sheets and muffin tins by picking up a loaf of bread. Yes, I am that awesome.

So I started out pretty crankily. Ha, crankily. But work went surprisingly well. I talked to a few people, got a bunch of work done... although the last hour was a drag because there was nothing to do. BUT it allowed time for social interaction. I actually talked to a lot of people where as normal I'd be quiet and keep to myself.

About 20 minutes before punch time, I had to change clothes because I had to go straight to school. I felt stupid though. My uniform is all black, so I went from that to tight khaki pants, a green tank top and a purple zip-up. I was really colorful and I felt like an attention whore. But I wasn't!! I had school, dammit. I still felt like I'd be judged though. But Diane, this really sweet woman I work with kept telling me how cute I was and that I looked like a Barbie doll. Haha, I love her, it was sweet.

So this good day vibe followed me to school, where it helped me to deliver a pretty good speech. I think the teacher thinks I'm a bit loopy, but on the plus side, he said he was going to rent Veronica Mars. Woo hoo!

Here at home I edited all my pictures for my portfolio while watching the new episodes of Bones and One Tree Hill (awww I want a Nathan :), and finishing up the first half of Apocalypse Now.

Now it's 11:10 pm and I still have to finish up my crap for the art show. It's not much, just have to mount something, but I'm so tired and blah.... I just want to... I don't know what I want to do. But I want to do it. Sleep or shower or something, lol. Maybe watch a lil something.

I don't know. Want to hear something stupid? There's a friend that I've been hanging out with quite a bit. We are quite close, but don't hold the bff titles. So... idk, it still makes me sad when I read her answer questions about her best friend... I mean it shouldn't, because we are really close. It just makes me feel like... I don't know, like there's a wall up there and that nothing I do can be good enough. But that's dumb, because it seems like I'm trying to beat out her best friend. I don't want to do that, though. But that's what it seems like. I guess I just need reassurance. A lot of it. Beh.

I really need to learn to keep up the happy vibes. I really want to be like Eddie at work. He's so happy and positive. I love it, that's how I want to be. I usually am like that, but lately not so much. I am trying though! I'm trying.

I just watched "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" and omgggggg. That freakin' show makes me CRY. At least it was inspirational cry, not sad cry. It was so cute :) Loved it. I couldn't handle watching it all the time though. Just cuz I don't want to see the sad stuff.

Anyway.

(I used that word a lot, btw).

ANYWAYYYYY.

I would love to be able to do something like that. To be able to HELP PEOPLE like that. I mean, I've donated money to charities, I've done favors for people, I went on a Habitat for Humanity outing. Which I guess was the best of all that, because I want to really get involved with this stuff. I just don't know how. How do you get a job like that, and what would I do to contribute? I mean, after they built this family a home, I saw people wiping down the counters with windex. I could totally do that part.

But really. That would be an awesome job. I've always wanted to do something along those lines. Not the windex so much, I do that now at Sears and it SUCKS, but.... having a job where I actually help people who really need it and appreciate it?

I want to do that! I really really really DO!

Man, I really hate feeling this way. Friday my therapist said something to me that she really shouldn't have, and it just made me feel 1000x worse.

I was already eating bare minimum, and lying in bed at all times possible. Now it's worse. Absolutely everything is making me nervous and worried and don't see any positive aspects of anything. I see all the negative.

This hole just keeps getting deeper and deeper.

I feel like crap right now. Let me just say, if you're at all depressed, sad, or freaked out about something, Cloverfield probably isn't the movie to see lol. Aim more towards a comedy :)

It was good, though. It was scary, but not in typical scary-movie fashion. More like.... you feel as if you're actually going through the ordeal with the people? It was all shot with a hand-held camera, which makes me feel kinda queazy, but that's also cuz of my nephew's driving lol. It also makes me think people will think Thommy copied off the movie when his script has been written for YEARS, but that's besides the point.

There was some pretty great dialogue in the movie as well.

But today felt so off. At work I was dropping things and making mistakes. Then I felt guilty about not staying at the hospital longer, even though I didn't drive, so it wasn't my choice. AND I felt bad for not staying the night there, even though they said I couldn't. And I feel like I suck hardcore because my mom gave me $20 for food, but I didn't use it. I'm just gonna tell her that we saw a movie and then completely forgot I had it. She probably won't care, but I still feel bad.

I feel so sad and so out of control with everything that's going on. I feel fragile and expendable, unimportant yet vital. I feel like I want to be gone, but I so desperately want to stay. I'm afraid of the future and all this apprehension is just growing and growing...

I hate feeling this way. I wish something good was on tv. I know I have my dvds but I can't bring myself to put something on. *sigh*

This is gonna get better, right?