b.d.p. (![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} _deni) wrote,@ 2010-06-03 09:04:00 |
 |
|||
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
I never thought it would be like this. When we got married, we were both so happy. We had our little family .. him, Kayla, and me. It was all that mattered and .. it worked. Maybe we were stupid for trying to have another baby. Maybe I put too much of myself into this because .. I want to be like everybody else. I want to be able to have a son or a daughter that's really mine, that .. looks like me and maybe acts a little like me. I love Kayla. She's my baby girl. But, she looks like some other woman .. some other woman who hadn't even been trying to have a baby, who hadn't even wanted one until she found out she could. It's hard and it's heart breaking. I feel like a failure. I feel inadequate, like I'm just not good enough to be where I am in life. And it's ..
We fight all the time now. The stress of everything, the failed attempts. He's always at work and I barely see him. The last two times the tests came back negative, he wasn't even at home. I feel alone more often than not and .. I resent him for it. I resent him for not being there to do this with me. He said that he would. And .. I know that he can't take off work all the time. I know that. It's just .. it's hard.
I've made him regret getting married. He says he didn't mean what he said but .. I feel like he did. I feel like it was the most honest thing he's said to me in weeks. So I left. I took Kayla to his parents house even though I would love to have her with me .. I couldn't take her from him. He's her father .. her real father. I'm just the stand-in Mom who fell absolutely in love with her. I feel empty and broken and tired and .. just not good enough. For him, for them.
I have another IVF appointment on Monday. I don't know if I can go through with it. I feel like we've reached the end of things and .. the idea of trying to get pregnant anymore just seems futile, stupid. It's never going to happen and .. I can't do it alone.
I'm sorry if he keeps calling you Jeni and please don't tell him where I'm at if he shows up. I knew you'd be the first person he went to so .. I'm staying at Bailey's while he's off filming.
Private.
I made him hate that he got married .. what does that say about how he feels about me? I just .. I don't know where to go from here.