InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "yooooo"

b.d.p. (_deni) wrote,
@ 2010-06-03 09:04:00

Jeni and Bay.
I never thought it would be like this. When we got married, we were both so happy. We had our little family .. him, Kayla, and me. It was all that mattered and .. it worked. Maybe we were stupid for trying to have another baby. Maybe I put too much of myself into this because .. I want to be like everybody else. I want to be able to have a son or a daughter that's really mine, that .. looks like me and maybe acts a little like me. I love Kayla. She's my baby girl. But, she looks like some other woman .. some other woman who hadn't even been trying to have a baby, who hadn't even wanted one until she found out she could. It's hard and it's heart breaking. I feel like a failure. I feel inadequate, like I'm just not good enough to be where I am in life. And it's ..

We fight all the time now. The stress of everything, the failed attempts. He's always at work and I barely see him. The last two times the tests came back negative, he wasn't even at home. I feel alone more often than not and .. I resent him for it. I resent him for not being there to do this with me. He said that he would. And .. I know that he can't take off work all the time. I know that. It's just .. it's hard.

I've made him regret getting married. He says he didn't mean what he said but .. I feel like he did. I feel like it was the most honest thing he's said to me in weeks. So I left. I took Kayla to his parents house even though I would love to have her with me .. I couldn't take her from him. He's her father .. her real father. I'm just the stand-in Mom who fell absolutely in love with her. I feel empty and broken and tired and .. just not good enough. For him, for them.

I have another IVF appointment on Monday. I don't know if I can go through with it. I feel like we've reached the end of things and .. the idea of trying to get pregnant anymore just seems futile, stupid. It's never going to happen and .. I can't do it alone.

I'm sorry if he keeps calling you Jeni and please don't tell him where I'm at if he shows up. I knew you'd be the first person he went to so .. I'm staying at Bailey's while he's off filming.

Private.
I made him hate that he got married .. what does that say about how he feels about me? I just .. I don't know where to go from here.

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__jeni
2010-06-03 03:15 pm UTC (link)

I'm gonna knock that shithead's teeth out. I'm gonna make sure he ain't even identifiable by LA's finest by the time I'm done with him. Nobody messes with my fuckin' girl and I warned him. I warned him a long fuckin' time ago that if he ever hurt you or broke your heart that he was a dead fuckin' man walking. Man, I ain't even gonna leave enough of him for them to find.

#1. You ain't gonna be alone if you choose to go to the IVF appointment. You're never fuckin' alone, D, and I wish I'd known it was this bad for you, sooner. But you're never alone, and it breaks my heart that you've been made to feel that way. You gotta believe it's gonna happen, if that's what you want. You're a fighter, D, so fight through these feelings you've got. Cause like I said, you're never alone.

#2. You ain't a failure either. You ain't good for nothing or none of that shit. As for not feeling good enough for him? Them? Fuck that shit. I know that's probably the last thing you wanna hear right now, but fuck that shit, Blake Denin Jacobs. That's a whole load of crap. You've been nothing but amazing to his little girl, so don't you tell me you ain't good enough for her. As for him, it's the other way around. He ain't good enough for you. Period. End of fuckin' sentence, ya hear?

#3. Trust me, I plan on giving him a whole lot if he shows his sorry ass around here, and it sure as hell ain't information he'll be getting.

Now, that was the tough love part. Here's the part where I tell you, D, you know why I first thought you were an amazing best friend? Cause, it sure as hell ain't your moves (sorry, white girl, but you can't dance, ha) No, but for real. You have one of the kindest, biggest hearts of anyone I know. You give everything you are to the people you love. You don't know how to hate -- not the way I do, anyways, and you're the kinda girl who knows how to beat the odds. Not with a fist, but with your courage, your kindness, and your adaptability. There was a time, you know, when I woulda said even trying to get pregnant wouldn'ta worked, given what you had to deal with. I woulda said it was a pipe dream. And then I realized, hey. This is my best fucking friend. If there's anyone who can achieve the impossible, it's her. You believed it could happen. Because that's what you do. And before I start getting all sappy and disgrace myself here .. let me just say that. Where I once might've seen only 'the impossible,' you've made it so I see things differently. So don't stop believing in that, D. Don't stop believing it can happen. I know it's gotta be hard, but you gotta have faith. And patience. And the D I know not only has those, but grace and strength too.

You can do this. And .. as much as I wanna throw him to the fuckin' fishes, if you believe in your marriage and your husband, you can achieve anything you want with him, too. I may not think King's your fairy tale prince, but .. I do know that if anyone's a princess, it's you. And I gotta believe that if there's anyone in the world that deserves to have everything, it's you. So, don't give up on that.

I love you, D. You're family. Don't ever forget that. ♥

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