InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Ramen!"

_northernstar (_northernstar) wrote,
@ 2014-10-01 22:43:00

Congrats to my favorite Aunt on her new bundle of baby. He's gorgeous. I love him already.

Also, in celebration, I am taking myself to the pub. I figure he needs a night or two without me pushing my face against the window and you both need your rest.

So rum it is.

~~Plus it just feels like life is pointless and nothing matters and I'm always tired.~~

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	madmalfoy 2014-10-02 03:47 am UTC (link)
	I have some pretty brilliant grandchildren. [Po] Spill. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	_northernstar 2014-10-02 03:49 am UTC (link)
	Looks like it, Gramps. [Grandpa Draco] I'm just tired of the whiplash this place constantly gives me. I don't know. Sometimes... sometimes it's hard to see the point. And I know that's heartless to say. But I miss home. And people who know who I am. And my siblings. God, I never thought I would say that. You know, the usual pathetic village moaning stuff. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Draco | Polaris

madmalfoy
2014-10-02 03:56 am UTC (link)

I can understand how the constant state of flux can get to you. Half the time I don't even know where to begin or what to say anymore. I can't say going home to the point where I come from is more appealing because it is not, but --- I mean, at least it is constant and I know where I stand. But then I think about my family and friends here. You may not have everyone and it gets ~~fucking~~ hard, but you being here brings something only you can and I, for one, know I'd miss you a heck of a lot. But that is selfish, yeah? I get why you'd want to go home to a place where everything is familiar and good for you. I'm not --- whoever I become at home, but I still love you a whole lot.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Draco | Polaris

_northernstar
2014-10-02 04:01 am UTC (link)

You don't have to say anything. I understand why... going home for you wouldn't be that great. I mean I know the stories always got sugar coated for me when I was growing up, but now that I'm older I can pretty much piece together how awful that time was, and how much it sucked for you.

I love you too. I really do. If I could go back home and take this version of you and mum with me I would. Because I know I have something here with the two of you I wouldn't get to have anywhere else. Back home... well... I don't know. Being closer in age can sometimes be awesome. I get to share things with you here I wouldn't get to back home. Not that older, grandpa you isn't wicked as well. You're like... the best grandpa ever even back home, just so you know. And I get Myrtle. Another sister, which is really cool.

But I just... I hate seeing how much people keep getting hurt. Like grandma Ginny and Teddy and Justin and and Miss Ariana. And I hate feeling hurt myself. I'm not used to this. Maybe it makes me weak, because other people are stronger here and everything, but... I don't know. I just have too much on my mind. It won't shut up recently.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: Draco | Polaris

madmalfoy
2014-10-02 04:09 am UTC (link)

I am glad you don't know pain at home, sweetheart. I'd do anything for my children and grandchildren not to go through that feeling. But --- with the wars, I think the lessons just came out of order, you know? We all would have realised life is filled with loss and pain and hope and love no matter what, just as we got older. And at least here? They might come back. Sure, they might be different --- and believe me --- I know how bloody hard it is when people you loved don't want to have anything to do with you because they don't remember or aren't as open or whatever --- but sometimes? They do. And even if they don't? Would you trade what you had just because you lost it?

I don't know. These are questions I need to ask myself too. My --- did I ever tell you I saw a Mental Healer for a long time at home? Did I tell you in the other world? Anyway, my Mental Healer says things like this all the bloody time and it is so much easier said than done, you know? I get that. So you can always share these thoughts with me, promise. Even if the words seem hallow because --- eventually? Things do get better. Little by little.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Draco | Polaris

_northernstar
2014-10-02 01:35 pm UTC (link)

I know... I mean don't get me wrong, I've experienced death back home, so I know loss. But there is something... different, I guess? And yeah, they may come back. But like you said, that doesn't mean they'll be the same. And I don't know... really. That's a question I just can't seem to totally answer yet. I'm sorry.

You mentioned it once or twice, when you wanted to get me to talk to you. I was never very grand at opening up back home. Guess some things don't change as much as you want them too.

I hope so. I just sometimes... I don't know what I should be feeling. And it feels wrong and I feel bad about it. I guess I'm just overridden by a sense of constant confusion and competing emotions too much lately. It's just... tiresome, I guess?

But if you say things get better eventually, I have to believe it. After all, you may be young but your still my gramps. It's part of the title.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

	Grandpa Draco _northernstar 2014-10-02 03:52 am UTC (link)
	And please don't take that as me saying you and mum and Al and everyone else aren't enough. Because I love you all and without you here? I really and honestly don't know what I would do. You make this place happy for me. But I still miss things. I can't help it. And I'm sorry if that makes me seem awful. That's not how I mean it. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Grandpa Draco \| Po madmalfoy 2014-10-02 03:56 am UTC (link)
	You are not awful. ~~But it does hurt a little---~~ (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Grandpa Draco \| Po _northernstar 2014-10-02 04:03 am UTC (link)
	I feel awful. Because I know deep down I'm being selfish and mean and making myself sound unappreciative and it's not fair to you. Because you do so much for me. And... This is why I need to just drink. So I can shut up and stop digging myself a hole. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Grandpa Draco \| Po madmalfoy 2014-10-02 04:10 am UTC (link)
	You are none of those things, Polaris. Drinking doesn't make it go away. Sleeping doesn't make it go away. It just becomes worse until you deal with it. This is me, remember? I've done all that. Repeatedly. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Grandpa Draco \| Po _northernstar 2014-10-02 01:39 pm UTC (link)
	~~Sometimes I'm not so sure anymore.~~ I don't do it all the time, really. I just... I need a break for a while, I guess. I won't let avoidance take over my life. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	Po/Pete slothfully 2014-10-02 03:54 am UTC (link)
	Want company? (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Po/Pete _northernstar 2014-10-02 03:55 am UTC (link)
	Can't say I'll be much fun, but yeah. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Po/Pete slothfully 2014-10-02 03:58 am UTC (link)
	Don't care. Someone who's not my mum is expecting me to be a fucking role model for Cass. I need drinks, too. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Po/Pete _northernstar 2014-10-02 04:04 am UTC (link)
	Older siblings don't always have to be role models. That idea can get kind of annoying. First round is on me. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Po/Pete slothfully 2014-10-02 04:06 am UTC (link)
	She said Cass looks up to me. I pretty much said no. That's not a good idea. Deal. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Po/Pete _northernstar 2014-10-02 01:36 pm UTC (link)
	She has tons of other role models anyway. Besides, don't think you're one to give into the guilt trip. She should know she was wasting her breath in one way or another. Ace. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Po/Pete slothfully 2014-10-02 11:28 pm UTC (link)
	Trust me, no. Guilt trips don't really work on me very well. Meet you at the pub? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Po/Pete _northernstar 2014-10-03 02:53 am UTC (link)
	Probably a good thing. Already way ahead of you. (Reply to this) (Parent)