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Tweak says, "Make wishes on fall leaves."

_rebelrebel (_rebelrebel) wrote,
@ 2013-09-14 23:01:00

Sirius felt as if he had been waiting for this day for forever. He knew, in a way, he was lucky even to be having this day. He was grateful for it, though. He knew he had been given a lot of second chances during the war, and now that it was finally over, he had no intention of wasting any of them. He had always assumed that Remus would be with him when he went to see James again. However, even though things were officially over, there was still plenty of clean-up work to be done. Remus was still stuck in France, and Sirius, having been released from Mungo's in the morning, had decided he wanted to see James in the afternoon.

He'd made it through most of the final battle -- and after that, he didn't think there was any doubt about which side he'd been on. That was certainly how Bellatrix had viewed it when she had come after him. She'd Crucioed him twice before a group of Aurors had managed to arrest her. It rankled him that she'd managed to survive, but it was fine he told himself. It was fine as long as everyone he cared about was safe now.

Despite everything, he was nervous. This was the first time he'd seen James were there wasn't case for secrecy. There wasn't any pretense, or any Order business. It was back to just being the two of them -- and they hadn't been the two of them in years now. He knocked on the Potters' front door, shifting around on the stoop, a package for Harry tucked under one arm.

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staghearted
2013-09-15 01:00 am UTC (link)

There had been a time, a long time ago, when letting go of negative emotions had come easily to James. Or at least, he'd thought they had. It turned out that he wasn't so good at it, actually, at least in some situations. When it came to his friend turning his other friend into a murderer, in fact, he was downright terrible. He'd never been able to forgive Sirius, because Sirius just... left. Didn't even try to make things right, although what he could have done, James didn't really know. He knew that running away wasn't the answer, and that was maybe the part that was hardest to get over. Sure, he'd yelled and shoved, but Sirius hadn't pushed back the way he was supposed to. Not in that moment, and not later on. Not for years. So it wasn't just that he needed to forgive Sirius for what he'd done to Remus, but for leaving James behind, too.

Which had only made it harder once Remus and Sirius had patched things up, somehow. Because then he was the only one left being angry about the whole thing. Except Peter, but now he was pretty sure that by then Peter was already plotting against him. He'd probably gotten the idea from Sirius in the first place, to throw his last friend to the wolves. For a while now, it had mostly been James and Lily counting on each other. And James and Remus were still friends, but it wasn't the same. Hadn't been the same since Remus had left Hogwarts, too. Or since Remus and Sirius had patched things up, because then James hadn't known which of them he was more jealous of, truthfully. Whether he resented Sirius for winning Remus back over or Remus for getting Sirius back when he didn't. Neither of those emotions made sense, of course, but that didn't make them any less real to him.

And then Sirius had actually tried, finally. After all the years of James resenting him for not trying, it wasn't quite enough. He wanted to give in, but he couldn't. Whether it was pride or fear of getting hurt again or something else entirely, he didn't know, but he had balked.

Until everything had fallen apart, with Peter, with his family being on the firing line, with the final battle that-- somehow-- they'd all survived. He'd captured Peter himself, heard him grovel at his feet without actually meaning any of it. And somehow that had made him understand Sirius a little better, and why he hadn't tried. Not because he hadn't cared, hadn't wanted to fix it, but because it had genuinely been a stupid, unthinking mistake and he didn't have any excuses. Because he'd known there wasn't anything he could really say to make it better, and he had accepted the consequences without flinching. Until he'd been given the opportunity to risk his life trying to make things even a little bit right, somehow.

That had brought a moment of clarity that James hadn't really been prepared for. He'd been angry with Sirius because he'd thought he'd misjudged him at first, thought he'd trusted someone who would use his friend as an unwitting murder weapon. Now, even though everything was a mess, somehow the truths of his friendships was put right again-- he'd been wrong about Peter, certainly, but not wrong about Sirius. Just, he'd underestimated Sirius's reckless stupidity a little, and his temper. And his penchant for self-flagellation, because going back to his family and joining the Death Eaters was really taking it a bit far on the masochism, even with all things considered.

So when he opened the door to see Sirius on the other side, he froze for a moment, because it was the first time he'd actually seen him-- seen the person he was, seen him as a friend-- in years. And it hurt, but in a good way. For a moment, he didn't know what to say. His face, however, spoke volumes. Years of anger and resentment had been peeled back to show the vulnerable teenager whose life and friendships had been upended in a single night, who'd just wanted, more than anything else, for things to be put right again. So that he could have his friends back.

After a moment, he cleared his throat and found his voice. And he said, "Pads."

The nickname was like a plea. Please still be my best friend. Please be back for good. Please don't leave again.

Please.

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_rebelrebel
2013-09-15 03:00 am UTC (link)

Sirius hesitated when he saw the expression on James' face; he couldn't help himself. None of this was ever supposed to have gone this way. Their lives were supposed to be so much better than this. But this mess was what they had and Sirius had long since come to terms with the fact that he wasn't just going to throw everything away because it wasn't perfect. He steeled himself for whatever James was about to say.

Yet, he was surprised when it was an almost forgotten nickname. The word hit him like a suckerpunch, because even Remus didn't call him that anymore. It was a right he had thought himself permanently stripped of. The moment it left James' lips, Sirius' resolve to try and handle this like an adult dissipated.

"Jamie," Sirius replied instantly. "Prongs."

He closed the distance between them, grabbing at James. He threw an arm around James' shoulder and hugged him tightly, burying his own face in against James' shoulder. He shut his eyes, concentrating on what was happening, because he couldn't help but be constantly reminded of how close he had been to losing this forever. And so maybe this time was the last, but he was going to cherish it then. His fingers fisted in the back of James' robes and he could feel James' glasses cutting into the side of his face.

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staghearted
2013-09-15 03:11 am UTC (link)

James's throat closed over, tightening until he almost couldn't breathe, and his eyes welled up, rendering his vision blurry even with his glasses on. But it was mostly overwhelmingly good, to hear the same sentiment echoed right back at him. He threw his arms around Sirius and held him so tightly he thought he might crack his friend's bones. His friend. His best friend, close to his heart even in a way that Remus wasn't, although he loved Remus with every fiber of his being. Sirius-- Sirius was like the brother he'd never had.

Even if he'd possessed a single ounce of shame, he wouldn't have cared that they were two grown men clinging to each other and trying not to cry. Or at least, James was trying-- and mostly failing-- on the not crying part. He lifted his head briefly, only so he could take off his glasses and bury his face properly in Sirius's shoulder near his neck, his hands tightening in his friend's robes, so hard that his knuckles went white.

"Don't you dare," he managed with a choked laugh, finally, "Ever run off on me like that again. No matter what, you understand?" He attempted to give Sirius's head a mostly playful whack with one hand without letting go of him, but it didn't have much force, and a moment later his fingers just curled into Sirius's hair. "You bloody idiot."

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_rebelrebel
2013-09-15 03:16 am UTC (link)

"I understand," Sirius responded and even though he was smiling through tears, his voice conveyed that he understood that magnitude of what he was saying. He owed James and Remus so much -- even more now -- and he was going to do everything he could to make the last few years up to them. He knew it was probably going to take the rest of his life, but he was committed now.

"I brought a present for Harry," Sirius said, nodding down at the package he had under his arm. "It's from Remus, too. Though, I understand if you don't want me in the house." He tacked the last part on hastily.

It was just difficult to tell where their boundaries would fall now. It was stupid to hope for things to go back to how they had been when they were teenagers. They were drastically different people. Even if they had remained tight friends, their friendship would have changed as they did. As it was, Sirius had to learn the ropes in a way he never had before -- but he would take whatever James was willing to give.

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staghearted
2013-09-15 03:33 am UTC (link)

"Shut up, Pads," James said as he stepped back from the hug, almost fondly. He wiped at his eyes and put his glasses back on to look down at the present Sirius was holding. He thought, maybe a little hysterically, about making a joke about how Remus would probably have made sure it wasn't a present that would leap out and eat his son, but he figured that would be too soon and in very poor taste.

If nothing else, it would totally undermine his standing on being the bigger man, here. And even if he had essentially forgiven Sirius, he still wanted to make him grovel a little.

Yeah, okay, he was definitely a little bit hysterical. It was as if the relief was a high; like too much oxygen was filling him up in all the spaces where the anger and resentment had been and making him giddy with it. There wasn't any more negativity left, not really: James's emotions were fairly black and white that way. He could hate and despise and resent for years, but once he had let go of it, it was truly gone.

And he had let it go. Remus had forgiven Sirius for what he'd done all those years ago, and if he could do that, so could James. Because they'd patched things up, together they'd basically managed to turn the whole war around. More importantly, they'd been instrumental in saving Harry, for which James was absurdly grateful. He gestured Sirius into the house. "Come on, you can give it to him yourself. He's just in the other room."

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_rebelrebel
2013-09-15 06:08 pm UTC (link)

Sirius grinned back at James when James invited him, directing him toward where Harry was. He clapped James once more on the shoulder as he walked inside.

"Remus got him the jumper," Sirius said, rolling his eyes. "I got him the cool gift." The times he had seen Harry had been even fewer than he had been able to see James. Somehow, he knew the kid was already going to steal his heart though. He looked a freakish amount like a miniature version of James -- really, you had to feel sorry for poor Evans, having to deal with two Potters in the household.

In any case, he and Remus had sent the occasional care package when they could, but it had always been hard and risky. They couldn't blow their cover or risk exposing the Potters. Sirius didn't think he'd ever seen Remus more upset during the war than when he had realized that they couldn't keep a picture of the Potters they had gotten and had to burn it instead because they couldn't be caught with it.

"Sprog!" Sirius said with a wide smile when he saw where Harry was. Harry smiled almost the instant he walked in, which certainly helped calm his nerves a little, although he also suspected that Harry was the sort of kid who was prone to smiling whenever he thought the attention was focused on him.

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staghearted
2013-09-15 06:36 pm UTC (link)

James's grin widened even more when he saw his son. Harry was his absolute favorite thing in the world; him and Lily were the only real, true, pure sources of happiness he'd had in all this mess with his friends and the war. He walked over and picked up his son, lifting him further up in the air than was strictly necessary just to make him giggle, and then settled the toddler on his hip as he turned back towards Sirius.

"Harry," he said, "This is your Uncle Sirius. And he's brought you a present."

He flashed a grin at Sirius and Harry, one small fist curled into his dad's shirt, gave a near-identical one and reached out his other hand towards his uncle. James shifted to put him back down on the ground so that he could greet Sirius properly, and also open his present.

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_rebelrebel
2013-09-15 07:05 pm UTC (link)

Merlin, it was just incredible and strange to be around when things weren't hectic. The first time he had even seen James' son was when he had broken protocol and came to them straight away, needing to get them out of their house. He hadn't known if Voldemort was going to go after them right away, but he knew that they needed to go into hiding as soon as possible. Dumbledore had told him that it was the rash thing to do -- reminded him that he needed to think through his actions, but he wasn't going to ever regret almost blowing his cover to make sure that James and his son were safe.

But this was such a far cry from this night -- when Harry had been fussy and almost inconsolable and Sirius hadn't been able to sleep, far too much jittery energy. He and James hadn't been on the best of terms yet then either, and Sirius'd had a difficult time even meeting James' eye.

This time, he grinned once up at James before instantly sitting down on the floor with Harry. He presented both packages. The one with the jumper was quickly opened and almost as quickly discarded. It was a pretty color and it was very practical, but toddlers didn't need practical. His gift was opened with little tugs of Harry's fingers to reveal a small broomstick with a matching Snitch. Neither would go very far, the soft Snitch enchanted to hover just a few inches away from the broomstick.

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