| Sometimes we know we shouldn't..& thats exactly why we do. |
[Apr. 11th, 2010|05:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | dumb | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Starting Line- This ride | ] |
I don't want to write this entry but I know I should. I sometimes wish people couldn't read this so no one would be dissapointed in me. But just like my headline says, sometimes we know we shouldn't..and thats exactly why we do. I am me and sometimes I don't know why I do the things I do.
So, Senni......she was having a birthday party and invited everyone but me. Even people she hasn't talked to for months. So I was like wow, I didn't even flip out on her (which i should have) and she's gonna have a party and invite everyone but me? Really? So I get really upset and I talk to my sister about it and she talks about how her friends did something like that to her before. & she just threw a party to get back at them. "Too bad I can't throw a party.." I said.......it got really quiet, and then Christina said I could have about 15 people over on friday and Brendan would buy us beer. A "get together". :))))))))
Its Friday and I'm shitting my pants. Nervous. I've invited a little less than 15 people. I didn't know if Joey was coming or not. Around 7:30..Carmine, Sergio, Max, and..Joey show up. I'm already with Tori and Chloe. Everyone was at my house by 8. This is who was there -
Tori, Chloe, Carson, Carson's friend, Joey, Max, Carmine, Sergio, Devan, Ilana, Caroline, Sydney, Molly, Tyler, Tyler's friend, Colleen, and Julie. When you look at the list, it doesn't look like a lot of people. Or when you think of 15 people. Atleast I don't think it was a lot..and it really was. My house is pretty big but I felt like there was a lot of people there. Felt more than 15. Right away me and Joey are all over each other. I could not get my hands off him. I sit on his lap and we kiss forever. I felt like I've never kissed anyone as long as I kissed him. Felt like hours. It was nice. I was first supposed to be Tori's pong partner but as soon as Joey went into the kitchen I ditched Tori and followed Joey like a sad puppy. Oppss, sorry Tor. Anway, he sat down and I leaned towards him and we basically just looked into each others eyes for a while and then he leaned in and we kissed. Carmine, Sergio, and Max were in the room but we didn't care at all. Carmine and Max made a couple jokes saying "Joe your the man!" and something else that I don't remember. But basically they made it sound like Joey had a different girl last night.I stopped kissing him and Joey said "Chillll guys." I was like, "Did you get with someone last night too?" and he's like, "No, their just messing.." As we continue to kiss Joey stops and he's like "hey max, can you put this bitch under my phone as "thursday"............... I was like wtf Joey. and he starts to laugh and he's like I'm just kidding chill! "It's actually friday," I mutter. But he pushes me towards him and kisses me hard and I forget everything.
We eventually move it to the couch and Brendan comes down with me practically on Joey. Awkward. At this point everyone is having lots of fun. People are either playing beer pong, flip cup, or just talking. Joey and I tear apart for a little while he plays beer pong. Tyler sits next to me and is practically begging me to get with him. I was like 'No, sorry. I've already kissed someone tonight..and It'd just be wrong." Tyler's like "He'd never find out. Come on. Look, he's flirting with other girls." I just stayed quiet and then got up and said I had to go to the bathroom. I didn't really know what to say to Tyler but I would never do that. I have feelings for Joey first of all, so theres no part of me that wanted to get with Tyler. Secondly, thats just gross. Him being so desperate was a huge turn off. He practically asked outloud "Who would makeout with me?"
As I go to the bathroom Joey comes into the kitchen. We go outside and we kiss some more..then we go back to the couch and he asks me to give him head. I say no. (Btw, I told him I had my period earlier in the night so he wouldn't try to finger me. I really didn't. But I just thought it'd be easier if I lied.) He's like "Okay can you atleast give me a handjob" NOOOOOOOOO I yell! He asks why and I'm like "Joe you don't even like me." He's like "I never said that. I told you I liked you." We start to kiss again and he makes me kiss his neck over and over again which he swears feels amazing. He then asks me again. His blue eyes look me straight in the face and he says "a handjobs nothing." I say "Joey people will think I'm a slut." He's like "Who cares what they think and who am I going to tell? I won't tell anyone." I look at him..and I say ok. He kisses me so hard. His tongue pushing hard against mine. We get up and he leads me outside. I refused to do it on the deck and I was so afraid Brendan was going to come outside. Joey brings me down my back steps and he picks me up as I mutter Brendan is going to catch us. "No hes not babe. It's fine." I'm a sucker for the word babe. Especially coming out of Joe's mouth. We go into my back alley and he unzips his pants. I put my hands over his dick and I stroke it and start to give him a handjob when we both hear the front door slap. At this moment Joey's eyes pop out of his head. It would of made me laugh if I wasn't shitting my pants. He quickly puts his penis back in his pants and zippers his pants as BRENDAN walks down the steps. Brendan was like "I hope you guys weren't doing what I thought you were doing. Marissa I hope you weren't giving him a blowjob" I tried to explain that I wasn't and that we were just kissing. But he didn't really believe me. & who knows what he really saw. As we went in, things got worse. Devan was trashed and threw a whole cup of water at Joey. He wanted to fight her. He was pretty drunk. I guess he was trashed. But he wanted to fight her and Me, Carmine, Sergio and Ilana were holding him back. Oh, and max too. Joey wouldn't sit down and eventually he got a hold of a knife and threatened to kill Devan. Yes, this is crazy. I know. Anyway, I almost start hyserically crying as I look up to Joey holding a knife slurring his words saying he's going to kill the bitch. I thought I was going to get killed. I guess I didn't realize how drunk he really was. He eventually got the knife out of his hand but he later picked up another one. It was bad. He kept telling me to get off him and he's fine. Blah. Then he wanted to fight Max because Max was telling him to calm down and Joey was just nuts. Everyone was trying to calm Joey down. We brought him into the living room which was a bad idea because Devan was there. Joey called her a purple monster. (lol) She was wearing a purple shirt. But anyway they both kept screaming stuff at each other and Joey was a mess and barely looked at me.
My sister comes down the steps and tells us she just got a text from my dad saying hes coming home tonight rather then saturday. Everyone looked at her and just continuted their conversation. I didn't believe her..but my dad really did come home. We cleaned up the house in time with the help of some of my friends. We got everyone out around 10 I think. Joey kissed me before he left. But I followed him outside to say goodbye. He prob wouldn't of if I didn't go outside. =///// Tori slept over. Everyone said they had a really good time. My dad came home and knew I had people over but he didn't know how much beer there was. (2 thirtys) He wasn't mad, maybe because we cleaned up so well. I don't know.
The next day was Joey's birthday. I wished him a happy birthday and he never replied. I went to a baseball game a couple days later and saw him and did my best trying to avoid him. A couple days ago I was walking past Jojos with Zoe and Tori and who was in the last booth..looking straight out the door...Joey. Later that night I saw him again. We never said hi. I just wanted to die everytime. I don't know why I saw him so much. He doesn't even live in Ventnor.
I don't know why I did what I did. Was it peer pressure? I don't know. All I know is I didn't care. I asked Tori if I should before I did and she said no and as soon as she said that I still knew I was going to. She later told me she was dissapointed in me and I felt nothing. I just didn't care. I knew we wouldn't become anything after that night. I just did it and didn't give a fuck. But I wish I could understand why I'm like this. I talked to Dallas about it and she said to me "Marissa, you know who made you this way." "Eric?" I whisper. She says Yes. Was it Eric that made me this way? Not care. Give myself away to boys and just not care. Be a slut to the ones I like. First Jimmy, and now Joey. Two people that didn't care about me. I cared way too much about them. I don't know why I gave him a handjob. I really don't. I knew it was stupid. A couple days later Mono asks me if I gave Joey a handjob and I said who said that? and he said Joey. O. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Should of known. When I get back to school on Monday everyone will probably talk about it. People will know. But its my fault. No one should feel bad, or have pity on me. I deserve it. I make the same mistakes and I don't learn from them. Why. Joey hasn't talked to me. I wish I had the guts to walk away and forget about what we had .. but, i can’t because I know he won't come after me, and i guess that's what hurts the most.....
It's taken me about five days to write this entry. I really didn't want to write it. I'd often write a part, pause, and just close my laptop. I really messed up. I was just thinking about how crazy life is a couple nights ago. If someone would of told me in September that Joey was coming back I wouldn't belive them. I wouldn't. It's so weird that I saw him so much this past week. Of course when I had to leave Salvesters house on saturday Joey was going to be walking with people too. What if I left 10 mintues later. I wouldn't of seen him. Why didn't I leave earlier? Of course he sat at the booth by the door at Jojos that one day. Even though all the other tables were free. Of course he wasn't look straight at his friends but straight out the door. Of course I was walking on that side of the street. So weird.
I later found out that the next day (his birthday) he made out with Evyn and then Erinn. I
meant nothing to him. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
What keeps playing in my head - over and over again - is the first week he moved back. It was SOO good. Things were so good. Oh my god. Things were great. He wasn't how he was now. I feel like something changed him after that week. He was perfect. He hadn't even snorted pills then. (speaking of that, he supposely doesn't snort anymore.) We talked on the phone, he texted me everynight, we'd ooVoo..he was so nice, and sweet. What happened? What happened. I am crying. What happened.
I cried two nights ago (and am tearing up now) about how much Joe has changed. I am going to upload a picture later of the Joey I met, and the Joey he is now. The Joey I met in December of 07 didn't smoke, or drink. He was funny and sweet. He was young and fun and acted his age. He had braces. He smiled. He had long hair. He held my hand. He didn't curse. The Joey now has a mohwak. He barely smiles with his teeth. He's funny but hes also mean. He doesn't care about the feelings hes hurt. He rather go up your shirt than hold your hand. I wonder if Joey knows how badly he hurt me. I can't believe he didn't even text me. But "what did I expect, it's joey joyce". The famous line. Joey grew up. He's not the same. I'm not the same. People change. Right now I just hope I can start fresh and stop giving in so easily. I was taught not to show the people that hurt me, they hurt me. To not make a big deal out of it. To not call them up and curse them out, or ask why they never said hi everytime they've passed me. To act like I don't care. To act like I'm way too busy to even yell at them. To not give them the time of day. So I will fake a smile to him and pretend I'm not hurting, and if he asks me whats wrong I will say nothing. I will move on.
This whole entry makes me want to throw up. I wish someone would stop taking advantage of me. I wish I'd stop letting people. I wish someone would actually like me for me. |
|
|
