| If i was nothing, why did you make me feel like i was something? |
[Aug. 30th, 2010|07:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | weird | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dashboard Confessional- Vindicated | ] |
Ilana threw a party and I went.
Somehow Mikey and I ended up in a room together alone. He kissed me. He kept telling me to lay down on the bed but I refused. I didn't like kissing him. It was horrible and I hated it. It just made me sad and miss Joe more. I didn't even know why I was kissing Mikey. We didn't make out though. Just pecked. Tori got really drunk (what else is new?) and at one point she kept calling Mikey and asking him to come down the basement, he said no. Then she came upstaires and asked who I was in the room with and I said Mikey and she slammed the door. I was like huh? I was very confused. Later that night she texted me and was like "Did you hookup with anyone tonight?" I said no. She said "Yes you did." I said "? No I didn't" The next day she texted me again and said "You did hookup with Mikey?" I said "We pecked. Why are you asking me all this? I would of told you when I was with you." She said "long story. tell you when im with you" ..
I found out today. She kept saying I was going to hate her when she told me. The night before the party I went to, Ilana had threw another party. Mikey told Tori he liked her. Huh? How come he didn't tell me he was trying to hook up with my bestfriend. ANYWAY, so she was confused when she heard we had kissed and thats why she was asking me all those questions. Two nights ago she hooked up with him even though she knew I had kissed him just a couple nights before. ? I just got quiet and she kept saying you probably hate me, what are you thinking. & I said "I don't like Mikey. At all. It's just weird that you didn't know if I liked him or not and you still kissed him. So yeah i'd be mad if you did it thinking I liked him" She told me i told her I didn't like him. I don't remember if I texted her saying that but I still think this is weird. She should of explained this all to me, before she kissed him. She should of called me the night after Ilana's party and said Mikey had told her he liked her. Not assume I didn't like him, and make out with him two nights later. I have no feelings for Mikey what so ever, just think she wasn't being a good friend by her actions. Tori said Mikey said to Tori "let me demonstrate how me and Marissa kissed." Wtf? Was that an insult? I don't even know. Day by day Tori is pushing us farther a part. I stopped caring. |
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| Scars don't heal when you keep cutting |
[Aug. 25th, 2010|03:01 am] |
A cutter is never cured when they keep cutting
The razor will never be dull if you constantly make sure its sharp
Don't worry, I'm not going to cut myself
I'm just going to fall asleep and hope I don't wake up |
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| Fuck you forever |
[Aug. 25th, 2010|02:41 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | furious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Demi Lovato- Remember December | ] |
I hate everyone right now. All my friends are awful and not true friends at all. It's so hard trying to be happy and keeping preoccupied when my freinds are fucking HORRIBLE.
Senni - Fuck you. This is the third time she has talked to Eric behind my back. I don't care how long its been. It's fucked up to talk to your bestfriends ex. She had him over her house and all this other bullshit and the only reason why she told me is because she knew people were telling me and I was finding out on my own. She is a cunt. Fuck you Senni.
Tori- She tells me to text to her and when I do she doesn't reply. I find out Ilana had a bunch of people over since her parents are gone and Tori doesn't invite me? Haha. Just got a text from her saying "Get ready to party tmmrw." Why dind't you reply to my text? "ahhhh I'm sorry I read it and replied and told Colleen to come instead." K. Your a fucking liar. If Tori realized she texted Colleen..why couldn't she fucking text me and tell me to come over. Makes no sense. K fuck everyone n!)(@*!)(@*(!@*(
I'm in such a bad mood and I have no friends.
Fuck everything |
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| You told me you couldn't live without me, so why aren't you dead yet? |
[Aug. 21st, 2010|10:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | good | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Gym Class Heroes- Faces in the hall | ] |
I've been feeling a lot better about the Joe situation and I've been keeping busy. I went to Wildwood with Chloe today and it was really fun. Yesterday I went to Brigantine to visit Bri and I met a lot of people. One kid asked me for my number. He was okay looking. Not really interested. ANYWAY, when I saw that I got a text from a number unknown today I'm not gonna lie, I wanted it to be Joe. (I deleted Joe's number) I think about Joe often but I've accepted the fact that things just didn't work out, and its okay.
School is soon and I can't wait! Ventnor still didn't get their schedules and I want mine so bad! Oliver and Greg are coming to Ac this year so I'm excited. |
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| I don't love me. & thats how I understand why you don't either. |
[Aug. 16th, 2010|01:19 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Never shout never-iloveyoumorethenyouwilleverknow | ] |
Well,
Joe broke up with my on Wednesday. It was no shocker because before this he was acting weird and shady before this. I constantly asked myself if he truely did like me. When I put our relationship on facebook he accepted the request but then deleted it off his wall. I was like what? That hurt. Did he not want anyone to know about us? It didn't really make sense because when we were with people everyone knew we were a couple and he'd kiss me infront of people and have his arm around me the whole time. So it was weird. I asked him why he deleted it, if he didn't want anyone to know. & he said "I didn't want the notifications" Which was bullshit. Who doesn't want notifications?? & why wouldn't you want to know what people would say..people would just like it. Makes no sense. ANYWAY, basically it just didn't work out. He texted me and said "marissa I really like you but I just don't want a girlfriend" I said I understand. he said sorry:/but can we still like hangout? I said surely. he said okay :) later he texted me and told me he was in ventnor I purposely answered 2 hours later. Does he really expect me to hangout with him after we just broke up??? Is he kidding.
I get upset really easily. When I see things like him commenting another girl on facebook flirting, I get upset. So I hid him. So he wouldn't come up on my newsfeed and I promised myself I wouldn't go on his facebook.
Theres this girl thats going to be a freshman at Joe's highschool and shes gorgeous. The kind of pretty that makes you really insecure. I would always think about her and how she was going to Joe's school and that'd make me upset, because I knew he thought she was really hot. It was honestly my worst nightmare that they'd talk. I'd always think about it and it'd upset me. I always wished I could go to his school and it'd make me want to kill her because she was.I go on her facebook and he liked that she was single. Then today he wrote on her wall and said....
K- kiss worthy
A- amazing
T- the cutest
H- hottt.
L- loveable
E- alright thats a really hard letter sorry :/
E- :/
N- Nice.
.................kiss worthy? O. Then Liam starts commenting the post saying how shes single and Joe should get at her. Joe says don't worry ma dude, already got her digits. Then him and Kat started talking and flirting
I burst out in tears. I was doing fine. I was doing okay. Till I saw this. It hurtsssssss and I'm so jealous and I already hid him but he just keeps coming up everywhere. Should I just stop with facebook? I know I need to stop going on Kathleens page. Facebook gets me so upset.
I feel so ugly and unwanted and not good enough. AGAIN. Idk why, its just a boy marissa!!!! What the fuck |
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| Like fire and rain, you can drive me insane |
[Aug. 10th, 2010|01:22 pm] |
~ Part 2 ~
I made these entries into two different posts because I feel like its too much information for just one big entry.
When I went to Joe's house and saw his mom and dad together it made me sad. The divorce of my parents never really hit me as bad as it did that night and the next night. I really wish they were together and I feel like my life is such a mess because of them. I know it's not really their fault but I just feel like I've missed so much of what other people have. I don't have a family like I'd want. I hate that my mom lives in northfield and I feel like she doesn't even know any of my friends. My dad is rarely ever home. He has a job up in North Jersey so hes probably here every other week for a couple of days. Imagine being home with no parents at 15 years old. I could get away with murder. But thats not what I want. I want a mom and dad to come home to. I want to come home and find them on the couch snuggling. I don't want this fucked up family. I hate packing and going back to back to each house. Stefanie and Michael got lucky. They were out of highschool when my parents got a divorce. I was only in fourth grade. Two nights ago I felt really alone. I felt like I was a little speck in a huge world. That I meant nothing. I cut myself so I could focous on the pain of the cut, and not my emotions. So my thoughts about my parents could stop suffocating me. This is the third time I've cut. But now I only have two scars on my left wrist. I haven't told anyone I cut. Not even Tori. I don't want people to think I'm seeking out for attention. I know I don't handle my emotions healthy and that me cutting is the wrong way to go about things. I understand I need help and I asked my mom if I could see someone. I told her though it was for my anxiety. I'm scared for the day someone notices the two cuts on my wrist. I just hope they don't make someone love me less.
Next year I want to work, save up all my money and move once I'm out of highschool. Move as far away as I can go. |
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| From the top of the world we'll let them know, that you're biggest fear is letting go |
[Aug. 10th, 2010|12:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato- Wouldn't change a thing | ] |
~Part 1 ~
For some reason I feel like writing on this is more of something I should do, rather than want to. Lately I haven't been wanting to write but I really should. I know later I'd want to read this.
So like I said before, Joe and I had stopped talking. On Tuesday night he comments on my facebook wall and says "Hi." I said "Hi, do I know you?"
"Guess not anymore =/"
"Thats your fault..come back into my life stranger."
"I'm coming to Ventnor tomorrow" He then texts me and we talk..The next day I meet up with him, Oliver, and Tim. Before I hung out with him I felt like I was going to throw up. I have such bad anxiety and it really upsets me sometimes because I feel like I can't live my life. At one point I had to stand up and walk away from everyone because I thought I was going to throw up.
Oliver wanted to drink so he went to AC so he could post up and buy drinks for us. He bought four Four Lokos (I think thats how you spell the drink?) It was 3 and Oliver decided to drink his. Joe and I complained that it was way too early but Tim said "It's five o'clock somewhere." Hahah. Eventually everyone had drank theirs except me. I decided not to drink it because I had ate nothing so I didn't want to throw up. Joe and Oliver split mine. Bad Idea. Bad bad bad idea. This girl Kelly invited us all to her house so we walked to the heights and Oliver and Joe were a mess. Matty met up with us at this point. Tim left. Oliver could barely walk and was so drunk and Joe was so bad too. Oliver was yelling and being obnoxious right by Kelly's house and her dad was outside so we weren't aloud to come over anymore..
We decided to sit at a park near by Kelly's house. Joe's nose starts to bleed and it was disgusting. He was so drunk to even be embarassed and blood was gushing out everywhere. He kept asking me if I was mad at him and I'd always say no..joe. He kept asking me this because he had bough cigarettes and I guess he could tell I was upset. :/ I would of never guessed he smoked. He says he only does when he drinks and when hes with friends. What?
We eventually leave the park and we head to Oliver's house. Matty and I are way ahead of them and Joe and Oliver are screaming and making asses of themselves. This lady starts walking down the street behind Oliver as Matty and I are sitting on Oliver's porch. Joe is sitting with us too and we scream to Oliver to hurry up! Everyone runs inside as the lady comes closer and I feel trapped so I decide to stay back and talk to her. She says "WHAT DRUGS IS TEDDY TAKING?" Teddy is Oliver's brother, so she thinks Oliver is him. I said "None. He's just drunk.." She starts screaming and says tell him to come out and as I reach for the door, its locked. Nice. & Awkward. "heh...they locked me out?" I said with a half grin. She mutters some bullshit and then walks away. Finally Matty lets me in as I yell at him. Teddy has a bunch of his friends over and is screaming at Oliver. He starts to yell at Matty and asks him why he brought Oliver here. Matty says "He's drunk as shit what am I supposed to do with him?" Teddy tells us to go in the garage. Joe tries to sit on a table and it crashes down and breaks hahahahha. Oliver then tries to stand up and falls on another table. At this point I'm thanking the lord that I did not drink the fourloko! Even though they basically had one and a half they aren't like regular drinks. Their really powerful and its basically like drinking a Monster mixed with alchoul. Oliver tries to lay down on his couch and starts throwing up everywhere..we bring him to the bathroom and one of Teddy's friends has the smart idea of telling Oliver to take a cold shower. -.- Three minutes later we hear a big crash. Oliver falls in the bathroom. Oliver is really fucked up and keeps throwing up and eventually passes out. Joe feels sick and heads to the bathroom too and I'm nurse Marissa and stay with him the whole time and help him out :] I deffiantly saw him at his worst that day. Haha. Thank god they started drinking at 3.
Joe, Matty, and I left Oliver's and Matty said we could go back to his house while he ate dinner but Joe wanted me to come with him to hangout with his friend Kelly and some other people. Matty would meet up with us after he finished dinner. Joe had his arm around me the whole night and was always holding my hand. He looked me straight in the eyes and told me I was beautiful. I like that Joe doesn't say that a lot, so when he does its special. I had a really good night.
Joe texted me in the morning and asked if I wanted to go to his house with Matty and then go to a Carnival. Joe lives about 30 minutes away from me. I said yes :) & me and Joe hung out till Matty got back from work. Before I met up with Joe I also threw up. :////
Joe's mommy picked us up and she was so sweet! When I got to Joe's house his brother was like "Want to buy some drugs?" I was like what?? hahaha. Of course he was joking. His brother was really handsome and his sister was gorgeous. Joe's friend Ricky came over and they all went swimming in Joe's pool. It was too hot ouside so I went inside and Joe's mom asked me if I wanted to go to the supermarkey with her. Haha! I was like sure :) I didn't feel awkward at all and she was really sweet to me and told me a lot of stories and talked a lot about Joe. When I got back to Joe's I saw I had 3 missed calls from Joe. I went upstaires to his room and he thought it was really weird that I went to the supermarket with his mom. Hahah I thought it was cute that we bonded. As soon as dinner was ready my stomach acted up again and I felt like I was going to throw up. At this point I'm really upset and I don't know why I am feeling this way because I am 100% comfortable with Joe and his family. I only eat a little and I feel soooo bad that I can't eat it all. But his whole family reassures me that its sooo fine and that they gave me too much. I still felt a little bad. Joe was trying to set Matty up with his friend and he kept saying how pretty she was like he's like 'Ma, isn't she pretty?' and his mom said "Yes but not as pretty as Marissa" Hahaha I wanted to die right there. The carnival was really fun and Joe was such a sweetheart. He had his arm around me the whole night and I felt like he was showing me off to the world. At the end of the night he asked me out :o)
Lifes good. |
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| Tell me what you're running from, she said everything and everyone |
[Aug. 2nd, 2010|07:24 pm] |
I decided not to get my nose pierced because I didn't think it'd look good on my nose. I also researched nose piercings and it may leave a scar after I take it out and I'm the type of person were a little scar would bug me.
Oliver and Matty have commented Joe on facebook and asked him to come to Ventnor. He said hes going to try on Wednesday. I know if he hangs out with Oliver, Oliver will call me and ask if I want to join..I will be upest if Joe comes to Ventnor and doesn't text me to even let me know he's here. If he doesn't contact me, obviously he doesn't care if I hangout with him or not. I don't think it'd be a smart move on my part to even hangout with him again. It will just make me become more attached to him and like him more and clearly, the feelings aren't mutual. Spending more time with him will just make me fall harder for him. I thought maybe the more time I spend with him, the more he'll like me..but I don't think thats the case. He's just not into me and I don't want to waste any more time on him.
This summer has sucked. I can't wait for school to start. |
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| The sad thing is, you can still love someone, and be wrong for them. |
[Jul. 28th, 2010|12:02 am] |
Once again, I haven't wrote in a very long time. I went to Dallas's like three weeks ago and I had a lot of fun. Even though she did get annoying at times. Blah I really don't feel like writing about Joe but I guess I will. Nvm I'm not..Okay, basically he just doesn't like me. I've hooked up with him again and sure it was dandy..but I can just tell he doesn't want the relationship. He hasn't asked to do anything more than kiss which I really respect about him, but I think he just wants to continue to hook up and I want a relationship!!!! I want him to myself and I don't want to hook up with anyone else. I want him to play the piano for me and confess his love and say I have the cutest nose in the whole world. That might been a bit much but i want it alllll! I don't want another stupid hookup. One minute I'm like "yes he deff likes me!" The next "Fuck" the next "whats going on?" As you can see I'm very confused. Right now I think we're nothing. Zip. Nothing. Last time I talked to him was the 25th. He hasn't texted me since :"( I am trying to move on!
I'm getting my nose pierced tomorrow and I'm really scared :(((((( On
1) how bad it'll hurt
2) if it'll leave a scar after I take it out (online it said some peoples do, some don't.)
3) if people will think its trashy
4) make me look bad
wahhhhhhhhhhh :((((((((( |
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| Yeah you smile, but I can see the fucking devil in your grin. |
[Jul. 7th, 2010|10:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | optimistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Ryshon Jones- That night with rose | ] |
The scar on my wrist is so dark. I look at it often. Today after me and Chris left my mom's house right away she called Brendan. I said "Whipped!" and she said "Oh shut up, you slit your wrists when joey joyce or joe doesn't call you." I got quiet. Of course she doesn't know..and that was a joke. But still. I used to hide the scar with silly bands but now my wrist is bare. No one knows and I don't plan on telling anyone. I don't want them to think its a cry for attention. Which most people think when they find out someone cuts. 'Attention whores' they say. Thats not it at all. I feel weak when I look at my scar, and I'm scared someone will soon notice it and ask about it. I don't really know what I could say.
Joe and I are good. We have talked recently and we video chatted last night. I don't really know whats going to happen with us but hey, whatever happens, happens. I saw Eclipse tonight and it was really good. I'm going to Dallas's on friday! I'm excited, I haven't seen her in a year. Joe is leaving for Myrtle Beach on Friday and won't be back till the 19th. Sucks. I still feel like he's not tottatly into me and I don't want to waste any time on that but right now I cherish our friendship. |
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| Te amo, te amo. Don't it mean I love you........ |
[Jul. 2nd, 2010|11:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | optimistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Rihanna- Te amo | ] |
Welllll welllll. The Joe department = confusing. Basically, it shows he doesn't really like me that much. He told Matty he wants him to hook us up. Well actually I should start from the beginning. Okay, so after we hooked up we talked and then we just stopped. & I found out that he was talking to that girl Amanda! Idk if I mentioned her before..but when I thought we could become a thing last time he was talking to her. So we kinda stopped talking and then randomly one night he texted me and this is what he said to matty. " can u hook me up with marissa bc i like her and i just told amanda she was a hoe and that i didnt like her, because well she is, and i think i like marissa" .......but Idk, I feel likeeee he doesn't show it! Some days he'll be all flirty, but next he'll feel distant. Its stupid. WHATEVER!
I can have a great summer just hanging out with my lovely friends :)
Tori's friend, Hana, is down from Florida who I've met last summer and she's really fun and I like her a lot :))))))))
Summer = Carefree! I don't need a guy to have fun!
"You don't need a boyfriend to know you are loved." |
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| Say you love me more than you did before.. |
[Jun. 27th, 2010|10:02 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | peaceful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Miley Cyrus- Stay | ] |
Well, it happened! :o)))) We kissed! Me and Joe kissed! YAYYYYYYYYYY
On Friday I went on a boat ride with Matty and Ilanatit and then once we got back Joe was waiting for us. We then got invited to a party and stayed there for a little. Then we went back to Tori's house and Tori and Matty left Joe and I up in Tori's room. I was on Gabrielle's bed - which is weird because Tori would always say I'd make out with Joe on her sister's bed. & it came true. At first it was kinda of awkward and we kept saying that. It was sorta quiet and I said "Well..this is awkward..haha" and he said "I know a way it won't be awkward" and he leaned in and kissed me. We then started making out hardcore on the bed and he was a great kisser. No ones ever kissed me the way he did. He bit my lip a couple times, not letting go. On purpose of course ;) He would also kiss my neck and he ended up giving me a hicky!! =O I've never gotten one before. Joe was also touching me but he didn't go up my shirt or down my pants which makes me like him even more. It was really great and I'm so happy it happened. <3 I was even more happy because after Matty and Tori found out we made out they jumped up and down hugging each other. Aw. Then once Joe and Matty left we danced in her room to Oh Africa! By Akon. Exactly what I wanted to do.
This night was pretty bad for Tori..She got wasted and invited this kid Kevin over..and they had sex. :/ It was her first time and I'm just really dissapointed. What happened to waiting for someone that you love if not, really really like..what happened to waiting for someone that you know you'll be with for a while. Everything we talked about. But instead she had sex with a guy who means nothing to her. She really regrets it and she was crying hysterically and she promised she'd never drink again. I can't even believe it happened. |
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| Don't waste your time on me, you're already the voice inside my head. |
[Jun. 24th, 2010|03:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | indifferent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Shontelle - Impossible | ] |
I haven't wrote in soo long! Wow. Updates : Well, school has ended. I finished last tuesday. I smoked pot for the first time like three weeks ago or so. I didn't get high and I don't want to smoke again. Just something I wanted to try, but I don't like the whole "inhaling smoke" idea. I don't work so all my days are free, which I like. I go to the beach almost everyday and hang out with my friends and just have a good time :) I got really drunk one night and I threw up a lot :/ Recently Tori has been wanting to drink a lot more then she used to. I don't really understand her motives and I question her a lot. She says she just wants to be "carefree". I don't know, but her wanting to drink more and smoke has defiantly pushed us apart. We still are really close, but I don't really feel the same way I used to about her. Joey and Tanya broke up last night. I found out via facebook. I think about him a lot but I am dealing with it. The other Joe, the much more lovelier one, IMed me a couple days and he wants to hangout. I really hope we do this weekend!!! He's ahmazing :o) My dream come true would be for us to kiss. Yipppe!!!!! Hahaha i'm soo corny. But I want him! :o) Matty had "Like this and i'll rate you 1-10 " on his facebook status and I liked it and he put an 8 on my page, and Joe commented it and was like "9.6...." hahahah love him! I just finished a really good book called Tell No One, it was so good and I haven't really read a book like it. My sister, Stefanie, had gotten something taken out (I don't really know the name of it) and they found benign and cancerous cells in it, and now she has to get her uterus taken out because there's cancerous cells there, and they can't have it spread. Taking out her uterus would result in her not being able to have babies :'( She is very distraught and so is her husband Tim. Actually, especially Tim because he's been pushing her for babies but she keeps saying there's no rush. My family is really upset and my mom is really sad. But there is somewhat good news - they are going to freeze my sister's eggs and Tim's sperm and then artificially inseminate my other sister, Christina. So Christina would be carrying the baby. Christina is twenty. Its weird picturing her pregnant o.o I think Christina might be artificially inseminated much sooner then we would of thought because she doesn't want her giving birth to interfere with her finals next year so she'd give birth in July, or something like that. I don't know but its a blessing they found the cancer in Stefanie so soon and she's going to be okay and thats all that matters. I feel really bad for Tim though. I'm sure a lot of things are running through their minds like - can we only have one kid now? Because I highly doubt they could ask Christina to hold another baby for her. Maybe they'll ask me to hold the other one day. Hm, I don't know. On a new subject.. Mono apologized. Did I already write this? Anyway, ya he apologized and I was like ya ya whatever. He is a very insecure boy and I'm just grateful and happy he won't be attending my highschool next year. Thank the lord :-) Well, I will update on me and widdle Joseph and hopfully its good newsss!!! |
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| You may make mistakes, but you are not a failure until you start blaming someone else. |
[Jun. 1st, 2010|11:11 pm] |
I really need to start writing more frequently. I think the last thing I talked about was Joe. Well...that didn't work out! Hahaha. He's honestly awesome. Probably one of the best guys I've met so far. He's everything I looked for. Everything I kinda dreamed :/ Except the brown eyes. Thats gotta go. But I LOVED that he could play piano. He was funny and SUCH a gentleman. And he hated math..and he worked..and he liked nose rings...and liked the bachelor...and golfed...wahhhhh. We had so much in common. BUT, atleast I got to see theres really guys like him out there :) Maybe I should say why it didn't work out..haha..OKAY, so when we texted it was great but then we stopped and I would creep on his facebook and it was pretty clear he was talking to someone else. ( a blonde O.O) I hung out with him again and it just wasn't the same :/ and Ilana followed us around the whole time with her huge tits were out like usual!! Grrrrrrr. I thought he might like her but I'm relieved that I just got off the phone with Matty and he told me that he does talk to that other girl I saw on facebook.
I am dissapointed but atleast Joe didn't get to fully know me, and then chose someone else. That would of hurt more. I'm happy it was with a girl that he knew better than me. But I do feel sad that she is probably better than me. I have hope that this won't be the last of Joe. At times I'll start to feel a little sad but I try to stay positive. One day when I wasn't with Joe, Matty's butt dialed me..and Joe was playing the piano. At first I thought it was Matty being cruel like HA HA but then Matty later told me his butt called me. I don't think it was his butt though. I think it was someone trying to let me listen.. :) Not joe, just a high power, like a god.
I had a four day weekend ;D It was pretty great. Friends and beach :o)
Oh ya..and I tried pot yesterday. I didn't get high (most don't their first time). It was a weird experience and I don't ever want to attempt to get high again. Well next time I probably would haha. But yeah, I just don't think its for me. And I don't want to become dependent on it for my happiness because I know a lot of people that do.
I haven't talked about me kissing Mikey which maybe I should write about..Well I was talking to Mikey for a little bit and we hung out one day and kissed. Not makeout. & he's okay...but he's in love with his ex girlfriend which is a bummmer. Oh well. I keep looking for someone. I need to stoppppppppppppppp
A couple nights ago a feeling came across me that I never thought I'd have. "I miss Joey." I don't know how I could miss someone that is so cruel and heartless. Who doesn't care about me in anyway, who made me cry so much..and put me through so much. But I miss him. I miss the other Joey tho, the one I used to know. I hated myself when I realized I missed Joey. I basically felt retarted. After ALL he did to me, and I'm going to miss him!? Whats wrong with me! Maybe I just miss his huge massive arms around me, suffocating me in his great big hug. Yeah, thats what I miss most. |
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| Got me like oh my gosh I'm so in love... |
[May. 23rd, 2010|02:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Maine- This is the end | ] |
I will write about friday.
So, my ID went missing on thursday and I was pretty pissed because on friday I'd have to go out of my way and go in another entrance and pay a dollar. I do all this on friday and I get a text from Bri saying "Mono has ur id." in spanish. My face gets red and I get so mad!!!!!! Wtf, why does this kid have my id? I text Bri asking her why he has it and I storm out of Spanish class when the bells rings. I go down the hallways, eying everyone down. Searching for Mono!!!!!!!!!! I find him and I say WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ID. He gives it to me without saying a word and I start screaming at him at the top of my lungs. No exaggeration. I then walk away but then I see in the corner of my eye Joey Joyce walk toward Mono. It then hits me Mono didn't even come to school on thursday so I thought Joey stole my ID and gave it to Mono. I walk back over which might of been a bad idea but I didn't care! I go back over and I start screaming at Joey saying DON'T TOUCH MY SHIT!!!!!!! 1I019210@)(!*@(!)@*(!@( I'm screaming everything I can. I didn't look around but I'm sure people are staring at us. Joey is like "wtf I didn't steal your shit you stupid bitch" and we're both cursing at each other and calling each other names. Bri is texting me through out all this. I finally walk away. I then read Bri's text which says she found my ID in her bag and Mono stole it from her and wouldn't give it back. So I yelled at Joey for no reason, but oh well. He deserved it anyway.
In class Joey and I are texting yelling at each other. He tells ME to stop talking to him. That got me sooooooo mad! Me, talk to him? I'm the one who looks the other way when he comes near me, and tries to avoid him the best I can. He's the one calling my name in lunch and trying to come up to me and say shit. So I went off. He eventually says if I text back he's going to "get me fucked up". I don't want to stop - I want to get the last word in. But I know it's not worth it. Next period Mono texts me about 20320 times saying the cruelest things. How Joe only used me and I'm a stupid "trick" and ugly and blah blah blah. I said mean things back this time. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't just sit back and let them call me names. I can't ignore them. I blew up, and I crashed. I couldn't take all this stress so I asked my sister to come pick me up.
I hate them all and I want them to leave me alooooooone. !@#$(*(@*#(@#*(#(@398
On a much better note -
Yesterday I went to Matt's house and I swam in his heated pool. His friend Joe was there too who I've met two other times. Joe is so cute and has a great personality. He was telling me what he wants to do when hes older and a lot about himself. He wants to join the peace corp and travel the world and he plays piano and guitar!!! He kept talking about how he just got payed and he wanted to treat us all. Me and Matt said that was sweet, but no. He kept begging us and he paid for our whole dinner - drinks and all! What a gentleman. He was actually someone you can have a real conversation with. He was telling me and Matt he wanted to pierce his lip and Matty was calling him a fag but I told him it'd look good. Which it would..soooo good..Then he was talking about his views on belly button rings saying he thinks its trashy, especially if a girl has a dangly one. I don't know, I kinda like em'. Hahah I want my belly button pierced eventually. I then asked him how he feels about nose piercings and he said he thinks its really hot. I told him I really wanted mine done :) Which I do. The night was defiantly refreshing and I was in a good mood! I needed a swim in the pool and a night to laugh. Later in the night me and Joe went outside to get our stuff..and I really wanted to kiss him. I've never wanted to kiss someone so bad. We didn't though, but I did get a nice hug goodbye :o) He immed me when I got home and we had a nice talk..he said this about me getting my nose pierced -
Joe -you should, haha. be madd cute. not that you arent without it, haha.
:)))))))))
He asked for my number and told me to text him. Lets hope this is a better Joe =P lol.
Again, he was such a gentleman! Thats the kind of guy I'm supposed to like. Not Joey Joyce. Some scumbag who things hes from the hood but hes just really from Brigantine. I defiantly like the wrong guys and I haven't made good choices. What did I really think was gonna happen with me and Joey? I make poor judgment - but I'm working on it. |
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[May. 21st, 2010|10:51 am] |
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I had to leave school early because everyone kept tormenting me. I can't even write about it right now. I don't think I can do this anymore. |
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| Haters wanna play hard. I won't pretend to be mad. I'll just disregard you like my memory's bad |
[May. 20th, 2010|02:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | angry | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Brand Nw- Seventy times seven | ] |
Joey was in my lunch again. He came over to me and gave me a note and told me to open it and he "wanted to know what i thought". I said No, and didn't touch the note, and turned so my back was facing him. He stayed there. Hovering over me. "Open it! Open it! Open it! Please. Serg, tell her to open it!!" I refused to open it, and threw it on the ground. & he picked it up begging me again. He then threw it at me and walked away. I refused to open it because it looked like something was in it. Tyrone wanted to know what was in it so he picked it off the ground. He then backed out, and gave it to me to open. In the note, was spit. |
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| Got my eye on the prize. See my haters, tell em' hi! |
[May. 18th, 2010|08:34 pm] |
Joe: Who the fuck are you calling a scumbag
Me: I never even said that. who told you that? you were being so rude to me in the hallway..maybe I should of said something..but I didn't.
J: Go fuck yourself I didn't do anything to you
M: u didn't do anything to me? really? how bout never talk to me again after i did what u wanted..and everything u said to me today...but okay.
J: It was a one time thing you act like we went out. I was drunk and got a hand job I'm not a dick but you make it hard to be nice by talking shit.
M: I understand that but u didn't have to say u liked me that night to get me to do that. and i dont talk about you. its over with, theres nothing to say. and u were the one whispering about me.
J: Your right bye |
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| Hope you come down with something they can't diagnose, don't have a cure for. |
[May. 18th, 2010|03:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Brand New- Seventy times 7 | ] |
My day was awful.
It all started with Joey coming into my lunch. He kept calling my name and I wouldn't come over to his table. Finally, I had enough and went over. He didn't even need anything and start whispering about me to Kane and Mono. I walked away and then came back over. I said "If you can say shit when I walk away, why can't you say shit to my face?" I sat down and he started laughing and telling me to leave. I was like NOOO, TELL ME THE FUCK WHAT YOU SAID. He kept being childish and a little fucking baby and would not tell me. Mono kept laughing. I was like , "Mono your so two faced. Don't try and text me later." and he's like "what? i can't be happy." Im like wtf?
Anyway, they say some stupid shit..but later i'm walking by them and Mazza was like HEY! and Joey was like ew. Then Mazza was like I heard Marissa sucks mean dick. I just stood there with my face red. I said O. Everyone starts laughing. Joey's like who said that? and Mazza's like Jimmy. Marissa Gave head to jimmy!! Joey was like "shes good at the wackdy wack too!" No one heard him but me, so he said it again. They all laughed. Like hyenas. Vicious. Evil. I stood there, helpless, each word felt like a slap in the face. They all started crowding around me asking me if its true and I deny it. Then I walk away. Mono texts me and is like "Swallowed too." and im like " SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOUR SO FUCKING MATURE. YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ME. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, DON'T TALK TO ME EVER AGAIN." and he's like "what are you and your beard gonna attack me lmaooo." I didn't even reply.
Later, I walked down the hallway and Mono and Joey screamed Ew countless times. People are so mean, and heartless. They almost made me cry. I made a mistake, okay. I get it. I wish I didn't do it, but I don't deserve this. AND, I could say so much shit to both of them!! Mono, your FACE looks like a pizza. STFUUUUUUUUUUU. But no, I don't. I can't wait till they get their karma. I.CAN.NOT.WAIT.
..........Good things are on their way. I hope |
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| If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of this state. |
[May. 16th, 2010|12:20 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | shitty | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Killers-When you were young | ] |
I'm in such a bad mood. I just want to cry and hide under my covers, so bad. Omg blahhhhhhh. Just everything. Everything is just bad right now. Or maybe its not that bad..but people are so annoying. Caroline has a thing with Jimmy and she just fucking continues to talk about him to me...he likes her..and they've hung out a lot and all they've done is made out. & that makes me feel like complete shit. I did basically everything with him the second time we hung out, Ha. I feel so..low. I feel like shit. I feel like scum, gross. She just tells me all this great stuff that he says to her and how much he likes her...and I just wish she'd shut the fuck up. She doesn't know what we did but still. Like leave me alone. I just want to be left alone. I gave Chloe her birthday gift and I don't even think she liked it and I was with her and Carson tonight and I just felt like the third wheel..and I usually don't when I'm with them but today I did and it was just sooo weird and I hated every minute of it. Caroline's ex, Mikey, likes me and he talks to me and I think I'm leading him on and I'm so stupid :( Omg. I don't think I like him and I just want the whole world to stop...Joey has texted Chloe 3 times..saying Yo. Obviously he isn't as in love with Tanya as everyone thinks. He probably is interested in Chloe. & does that hurt? A little, because he's not texting me. Eric basically tried his hardest to fuck me...I really dislike him. He wants to take advantage of me so bad. Everyone just wants to do stuff with me..no one wants to get to know me. Thats really..sad and makes me feel useless. It makes me feel even worse that I usually give in..and let them get what they want. I always flashback to Joey on my couch begging me to give him head. Begging so bad. And I didn't do that, but I still tried to give him a handjob :'( and then he never talked to me again. I'm crying. I just have made so many mistakes and before I used to just brush it all off but now its just getting hard. Its almost as if their all crashing down on me now..all the regrets. I used to love myself, now I hate myself. I don't like the way I look, I don't like the choices I've made. |
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