InsaneJournal

keep moving on
Saturday night I'll be on a plain to Boston to start filming. In away, I'm looking forward to it so I can just get away. Angie is a doll, everytime I talk to her when she calls to talk about the movie, she goes out about how wonderful it was that I accepted the role. I didn't mind, she's a friend of Evan's and I really like the script. It'll be nice to get back to work and out of the house. I've done nothing but sit at home and finish decorating everything.


.Girls Only.

A friend of ours is pregnant and just found out they are having twins. For some reason, Rob just pissed me off. I'm to the point I'm ready to call someone and ask if I can borrow their couch for the night. I just don't want to be in this house at this moment. Soon as he found out they where pregnant and with twins, he turned into a fucking asshole about it. Or at least to me he did. Anyone else would think it's stupid of me to get so pissed off, maybe it's from being cooped up in the house and having to deal with the new movie and everything.

Yea, I actually wouldn't mind getting pregnant and having a baby right now. Doesn't mean I ACTUALLY want to. A woman can't help it. Not when they have a best friend who lived with them and had a kid. And they helped with the kid and now they have a little baby. Every time I go over and hold Bella, my heart swells up inside and I just can't stop smiling. I'm so proud of Sammy and love how wonderful a mother she is.


Tomorrow I'm going to call up my lawyer and have him draw up papers. To me, it's the best way to go. He says he doesn't want kids. He's not father material. If I stay with him, knowing my chance of having children with him is slim to none. I can't have him touch me or look at me, knowing he doesn't want children with me. So this is for the best. I hate it. When he said he didn't want children, I broke down. I started to cry and my whole entire body began to shake as my heart slammed into my stomach. I'm still shaking and crying as I type this. If I see him at this moment, I'll probably slap him and yell at him and I don't want to.

I need to go get things together, Tori is letting me borrow her couch. This I'm going to go and stay at my moms till I'll have to leave for Boston.</lj>


.private.

Should I even tell him that the doctor diagnosed me with PCOS (the long version, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). I went a week before me and Rob got married, I wanted to get some birth control so we didn't have to use condoms and be safe. Even then it's not a 100% effective.

PCOS is an ovulation problem, it's a hormonal imbalance that causes the ovaries to stop working normally. Causes them to become enlarged and covered with cysts. Which I have and they want to go in and remove them. Maybe increase my chances at be fertile. My periods are irregular. I'll go up to four months with no period, which scared Rob a few times and I had to tell him why I wouldn't have a period for a month or two.

I told the doctor that I wanted to tell Rob before doing anything. It's been 2 and half months and I haven't told him. Maybe I should. Maybe I should tell him, no need for condoms honey -- chances for you to get me pregnant. Slim to none!

I just don't know what to do. I love him, all I want is him, to be with him till the day I die. But the thought of him not wanting kids... it sends my heart into my stomach.