InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Tweak says!"

Dorcas Meadowes is still alive (_dorcas_) wrote,
@ 2012-04-03 03:32:00

001 - What now?
[Private]

I have barely left my room since the other night with Regulus. Only once did I go out, just to walk, and even then with some heavy transfiguration. The whole process was rather exhausting, physically, magically, and emotionally, so I have been staying in my room since then. Even meals, I have ordered and then taken upstairs. I never even dreamed how terrifying this would all be.

I bought a journal from Flourish & Blotts during my walk. I sort of remember having one long ago, but I don't think I ever used it much, and of course I didn't take anything with me when I ran. It has been interesting, watching others write. Most, I don't recognize, but I've picked up on a few interesting tidbits. It is spring break at Hogwarts... I remember going home to see Mum before she died, how we would always go shopping in Muggle London. It was one of the few times she would splurge on new clothes, always for spring. The Weasleys have more children than I remember. Lily Potter's son would be a seventh year. The last I remember, she had been pregnant. I've thought about owling her... or Alice. Or anyone from the Order, really. But I'm so afraid of what people would think. I'm afraid of what they would say if they ever found what I did, and how I was really just a coward that ran away.

Maybe coming here was a mistake.

[Warded Private to Regulus Black]

I don't know what to do with myself. How did you get used to coming back? It terrifies me to even think to talking to anyone that might have known me, that thinks I was killed ~~by Voldemort.~~ I need to figure out what to do with myself, soon. I don't have much money saved up, so I don't know how much longer I can manage the Leaky. Any suggestions on how to cope with this?

~~[Warded Private to Lily Potter]~~

Hi.
I don't really know where to begin.
I can't belie
It's

I can't do this.

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Dor

nox_aterrima
2012-04-03 10:46 am UTC (link)

Well, to be fair, the first time I came back I was locked up, so I didn't have much time to deal with it then. Once I was released from Azkaban, I took off again and spent the next thirteen years as a muggle for the most part. But I was around here and there, from time to time, mostly to visit Sirius on occasion. So, I guess I've really been easing myself back into it slowly over the years. Not that that really helps your situation.

I think that people you knew will be more welcoming than anything. You just have to give them a chance. And I'll be here to help out however I can with that.

I'm staying with my brother, so it's not really my place to offer to have you stay here or I would, but I will find you a flat to stay in for however long you like. Would you prefer muggle London or somewhere in Diagon Alley?

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Reg

_dorcas_
2012-04-03 05:30 pm UTC (link)

Right. What if they aren't welcoming? I thought about trying to contact Lily Potter but the minute I started to write to her I panicked.

I wasn't asking you for a place to say, sorry if it came across that way. You don't need to find a flat for me, it is sweet, but I couldn't ask you to do that. I'm more concerned about finding work right now. I feel like don't know how to fit into this society anymore.

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Dor

nox_aterrima
2012-04-03 09:21 pm UTC (link)

You don't know until you try, right? Lily has been more than kind to me over the years, despite me habitually fucking up. She would be a good place to start, I think. If the people here can forgive me for what all I did in the past, I think that they'll be thrilled to hear from you and to know that you're alive.

Well, the offer is always there. What kind of job do you think you would like to do? What kind of jobs did you have in Russia? I know quite a few people, I could ask around. Or we could try to find you a muggle job.

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Reg

_dorcas_
2012-04-03 10:36 pm UTC (link)

You're right. I don't know why this feels so hard. I'm only realizing now that I've never... Dealt with any of what happened. I just burried it.

For a long time I was a farm hand, actually. I had no wand, no money and no idea where to go, so I stayed with the first family that needed an extra hand. I did that for years until... Well, things changed. When I finally made it back to the wizarding community I worked with dragons. Can't really do either of those things, here.

I'm sorry about the other night.

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	Dor nox_aterrima 2012-04-04 01:37 am UTC (link)
	I know the feeling all too well, trust me. And I know I still haven't dealt with a lot of it. It's easier to just not think about it. No, you can't I suppose. Is there anything that you've wanted to do? Anything you think you might like? What are you sorry for? You have nothing to apologize for. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Reg _dorcas_ 2012-04-04 06:35 am UTC (link)
	So, should I continue to not deal with it? ~~It is pretty difficult when even just seeing you nearly sent me over the edge. I'm not sure I could take that with every person I have to explain it to.~~ I have ideas but they are probably silly. I'm apologizing for just showing up like that... freaking you out and then freaking out in your presence. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Dor

nox_aterrima
2012-04-04 06:50 am UTC (link)

I'm certainly not the person to give you advice on that one way or another. I just know what I'm capable of handling and dealing with - which is apparently not a lot. It's all going to catch up to me at some point, I'd imagine. Especially if I keep coping by drinking like a fish. You are a strong woman, Dor. I think you can handle a lot more than you give yourself credit for. ~~I can be there with you. Or talk to people for you, if you want.~~

Well, I go around pretending like I have a grown-up job when it's all just fun and games, really. So, I don't think I would think you were silly.

There's no need to apologize for any of it, Dor. Really. I'm glad I ran into you. More than glad, even.

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Reg

_dorcas_
2012-04-04 07:18 am UTC (link)

I'm not sure how much I'm asking for advice and how much I just want to force you to talk to me so I can make sure that you're still out there. I'm sure things will catch up to me sooner or later too. I'm not strong at all. If anything the other day should have proved that to you. I fall apart. Some Gryffindor I turned out to be, huh? Bravery isn't my strong suit.

I wouldn't mind you being there with me. Dear god, listen to me. Such a sap. I'm sorry.

I don't want to share my silly ideas with you, Reg. You'll laugh at me. You're supposed to continue thinking I'm mysterious for having lived in Russia during the fall of the Soviet Union. That makes me a spy, right?

~~That was a rather pathetic attempt at making you laugh.~~

I'm glad that, of anyone, you were the first person I got to see. I'm just sorry I fell apart like that.

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Dor

nox_aterrima
2012-04-04 07:48 am UTC (link)

I'm not going anywhere, Dor. Not this time. You are strong and brave. You might not realize it, but you are.

~~I will be there if you want me to be. No apologizing - besides, I offered in the first place.~~

I'm not going to laugh at you. I'm trying to help you. Do you want to be a spy? ~~I'm kidding, too. Well, sort of. You'd be pretty bad ass.~~

I'm glad it was me, too. It's fine, Dor...really.

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Re: Dor

_dorcas_
2012-04-04 08:07 am UTC (link)

~~I wish I believed you.~~

Regulus A. Black, are you being sweet to me? I don't believe it. There simply isn't enough arguing in this conversation for me to believe that we are who we say we are.

So, that settles it. I am a spy. Spying on you. On behalf of the entire female population. ~~I should quite while I'm ahead. I definitely should not be a comedian.~~

Maybe you will have to get me drunk one day. Perhaps those two days between our birthdays? We can paint the town red, literally, on behalf of our Aries ruler. Maybe if you get me drunk enough, I will confess to you my silly dreams for employment.

And thanks... for being there.

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Dor

nox_aterrima
2012-04-04 09:35 pm UTC (link)

~~I wish you would, too.~~

We can save the arguing for later. Unless you'd like me to start arguing that I'm right and you should listen to me?

Ha, oh...I'd hate to think of what you would report back to them.

That sounds lovely. I can put off becoming sober until next month, I suppose. And I'll consider it a challenge, getting you drunk enough for you to tell me your silly dreams.

Anytime, Dor. I mean it.

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Reg

_dorcas_
2012-04-04 11:28 pm UTC (link)

I am listening to you, aren't I? ~~For the most part!~~

I'm sure you'd love to see my report. I promise it is very tasty, full of juicy details.

Not like it's hard to get me drunk, Regulus. But challenge accepted. Hopefully you will get more drunk than I will. ~~However unlikely that may be.~~

You are sweet, Regulus. I'm glad the world is finally getting to see you the way I used to.

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