InsaneJournal

Private
Nothing's the way it was supposed to be. Nothing. This isn't where I saw myself, this isn't where I saw us. I've said it a million times over .. my entire life, this is what I've wanted. I'm the guy who wants the happy ever after, the wife, the kids, the house .. all of it. I'm that guy. I've always been that guy. Did I expect it to happen now? No. I expected to finish school, get a job doing what I've worked so hard to do, meet someone when I'm in my thirties and potentially settle down. I never thought I was the guy who would meet the girl he wanted to spend his life with .. now. I never thought everything would happen backwards. Baby first. Then moving in. Now .. proposing marriage and getting a door slammed in my face. This isn't the life I expected, the life I wanted.

Chase is an amazing woman. She's brilliant. Not just in that .. smarter than everyone I know kind of way. But in the way that she shines .. brighter than everybody. She's got all this life inside her, this heart that's about a million times bigger than anybody else's. When we met? Things were awkward at best. There was no .. love at first sight. I'm not fooling myself into believing that that's what this is. Because it's not. It's nothing like that. In fact, we could barely stand each other but for the playful flirty banter in the beginning. I'm almost positive she thought I was just some stupid playboy freak with a fetish for cheap porn. And .. well, I don't even know when it changed.

No. I take that back. Glee. The night we got up and sang 'Push It' together at Mandie's karaoke thing. There was this spark, this ... it's stupid and romantic to say that we had this connection because I really don't think she felt it. But, from that moment? There wasn't anybody else for me. I knew it then and I know it now. I didn't know how to tell her, how to act, to show her .. to make her feel it too. And, looking back, I don't know if any of the decisions I made were the right ones.

Maybe I should have just let her go. Maybe fighting with her that day at her brother's house, the day that our daughter was conceived .. maybe I shouldn't have ever gone over there. She'd be happy. She'd be free. She wouldn't feel caged or trapped or .. like everything is moving too fast. I did that to her. I took this brilliant person and I stuffed her in a box and now .. nobody else is seeing her shine and that's my fault. She's already given up so much of what she loves .. and it's not that I don't think she loves me or our baby .. in her way. I just ..

Asking her to marry me .. the way she reacted, this isn't the life she wants. None of this was the life she wanted and I did this to her. It's no wonder she said no. I'm holding her back. She's it for me but .. maybe I'm not it for her and I'd rather she not grow to resent me because she felt forced to say yes when .. it's not what she wants or who she is. So, I'm taking the ring back to the store. It was a bad idea to begin with.
End Private.

I'm sorry for moving too fast.