InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I'm elusive as Robert Denby."

_touchless_ (_touchless_) wrote,
@ 2011-03-12 00:24:00

This was supposed to be good. Moving here. Being able to be with Josh for the first time in years. It was supposed to make everything better. Instead I just keep fucking everything up.

I'm sorry I suck at this whole being together in real life thing. I guess I always thought that by the time we could be together I'd have managed to get this shit heap of a power under control, you know? I thought I'd actually be able to touch you, and not being able to is so much harder than I realized it would be. Having to be so damned careful all the time, to think about every movement so I don't hurt you. Knowing it's not just distance keeping us from touching anymore, it's me.

I want to touch you so damned bad it's almost frightening sometimes. I want to know what your skin feels like and what you taste like and sometimes it's hard to believe it's ever going to happen. And I swear to god I won't stop trying, but...even if it never does happen? There's nothing I want more than to be with you, and I guess I've done a crap job of letting you know that.

I love you. More than anything. More than I ever thought I could love someone. Which I know is really fucking sappy, but you've got to be used to that from me by now, right? Swear to god, Josh, I would rather be with you and never be able to touch you than be with anyone else and get a free pass from my powers with them and I am really fucking scared I've ruined everything.

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fatedtouch
2011-03-12 09:40 am UTC (link)

You haven't ruined everything. I wish I could say you haven't ruined anything, but I can't. I can't also not take half the blame for this. Everything was so perfect for so long, maybe it was too perfect. We don't know how to be in each other's lives. We know how to rearrange our lives for one another, but we haven't been in the same space for so long, and we spent so much time wanting each other so badly we can't help but want to be all over each other. That's natural.

It's not our drives that's the problem, Kevin. It's what we do about them. It's how we cope that's the problem. And it's not just you and me. It's everything. Things are changing so fast, and I don't know where I stand in any of it. I can't help but feel when I'm around you and that's bad because I don't think. Distance was what helped us get passed the stage where this would have stopped working. Distance helped save us, and I'm honestly glad we had that time. Because my only other option would be to be without you, and that's not something I'm willing to accept.

But we can't rely on distance anymore. We have to rely on ourselves. On each other. We have to rely on our love. (Move over in the cheesy boat.) We have to KNOW that we're stronger, that this works. We have to BELIEVE it. Because when we doubt it, we just fall apart.

I don't want to lose you as much as you don't want to love me. And I love you ten times that. But, Kevin, if we can't make it work, all the love in the world won't be enough. Love alone can't save us. And we're both stubborn enough we'll eventually be in an empty relationship. Then we'll start to hate each other. Resent each other, and still we'll want to make it work.

I'll bend for you. I'll break for you. I'll make a new me for you. But I will die before I hate you.

I don't need touch that much, Kevin. Don't force it on me.

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_touchless_
2011-03-12 10:27 am UTC (link)

It was just us for so long. Just you and me, with no one else involved other than Evan or Julian in the background and in passing. And I always knew you had a life, and friends, that you didn't cease to exist when we closed the connection. But knowing it and actually seeing it are so entirely different there's no comparison.

Seeing you with ~~Julian~~ people. How often you touch, and how easily. How you lean into touch and gravitate to skin and I don't think you even realize it, b/c it's just as natural and necessary as breathing. And don't, please don't, get me wrong. I don't resent it. I don't expect you not to do it or want you to stop I just...I wasn't ready for it. And jesus, it's honestly kind of beautiful. I like seeing you touch people, seeing how they respond to you, even if I'm jealous as hell sometimes. It's just hard to see that and not to think that you need it from me too, and I can't give it to you. Or to think about how much effort it must take not to be that way with me, not to touch, when it's so natural and automatic with everyone else.

I don't want you to bend, or break, or change at all. Not for me or because of me. I got scared and I fucked up. Please let me try and fix it.

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